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The Sounds of (Not) Silence.

Sex is rarely a completely quiet affair. There’s grunting, groaning, panting, moaning, gasping, yelping, talking, and on some occasions, screaming.

Screaming is fun, although sometimes it’s best to warn the roommates, neighbours, and local law enforcement, depending on how loud you or your partner may get.

Personally, I love a noisy partner. Whether it’s carrying on a conversation about what’s going on in or out of the bedroom, or even just moaning and gasping in response to what’s happening, it’s all pretty fantastic.

It also leads to some fabulous jokes and comments for later, particularly if you happen to have roommates or visiting relatives with whom you’re comfortable (or friends). I’ve been in a relationship whereby the household was quite relaxed and casual about sexual matters, so it wasn’t unusual to overhear another couple having some fun. The courteous thing was to simply wander to a higher floor so as not to overhear nearly as much; other times you just laughed about it and ignored it as best you could.

I find the best thing to do, when roommates or relatives are a factor, is be as quiet as possible out of respect for the other members of the household. Someone who seems quite comfortable and relaxed about their own sexuality still may not appreciate overhearing you enjoying yours, so why make it an issue?

That all said and done, the best sex is the sex where it doesn’t matter how quiet or loud you are, so long as your partner can hear you and enjoy the noises you are or aren’t making. I try to pay attention to all of it; the grunting, the groaning, the sped-up breathing, the whimpers … it’s all part of hearing someone else enjoy themselves, and it’s incredibly sexy.

My male friends share that same opinion; out of anyone with whom I’ve had the discussion, hearing their partner enjoy herself ranks right up there as generally the highest turn on for guys. I find this very encouraging – at least as long as the guys don’t think that this is an independent state for us. Just as you like attention to keep your interests on the subject at hand, so do us women. That’s not to say that it isn’t a turn on hearing you enjoy yourself – I say, the more vocal the better – but we like a bit of attention in order to make those sexy noises you love to hear so much as well.

Of course, sometimes the noises one makes in fits of passion aren’t always the most… flattering, shall we say. Face it, your mind is on other things in the heat of the moment, so you’re not exactly paying close attention to the little fits and starts of your breathing, or the choking or yelping or yodelling noises you might happen to be making on your way to the big finish. Times like these, when it’s one partner getting the other off, and being more of less in full use of their faculties, one garners a great deal of ammunition to use later.

This isn’t always a good thing, at least when the tables are being turned against you.

But when you wield the power, look out.


It does however take a secure relationship for your boyfriend or girlfriend to realize that you’re merely teasing him or her when you start imitating those little noises they make, and not actually making fun, which is a bit different. It also takes you not being self-conscious or upset if they do the same. It can actually make for a lot of fun if you do it in group situations, but in such a manner that your boyfriend or girlfriend is the only one who knows what you’re really talking about.

But then again, I’ve been told I’m mean and cruel and evil. I think inside jokes can be funny, and it’s all part of teasing. Admittedly a different kind of teasing than you might do when it’s just you and your significant other, but still a fun kind.

Every good day includes at least one person making fun of your orgasm noises, or even your orgasm face, no? At the very least, you can take comfort in the knowledge that you were having a good time. And then... it's your turn to make fun.

posted by Jen on 12:22 AM



Caught next to a hard place

I like men.

This should come as no surprise to those who read these columns, or those who know me.

I like men. I like the contrasts between their bodies and mine; I like the hairy chests, the muscles, the warmth, the solidness of a man’s body. I like the weight of a guy on me or against me; I like the feel of arm or chest hair against my skin.

I love the treasure trail, or the patch of belly fur. That will amuse me a lot longer than it probably should, but what can I say? I’m easily amused. That’s why I’m straight.

You’ll get that one in a second.

Anyhow, one of the major differences between a guy’s body and mine is… you guessed it, a lack of breasts. In most cases.

But the other difference? Hardons!

I have to confess; I love the cock. It entertains me flaccid or erect. Actually, when it’s erect, it usually tempts me… or sometimes annoys me, but either way, it’s fun to play with.

Just like the wall of dildos at the porn store I wrote about before, a hardon is fun to reach out and tweak, make it bob up and down a bit. It doesn’t quite have the same “twoing!” effect that a rubber cock can have, but I’m willing to try.

I like the way a hardon feels in my hands; the smoothness of the flesh contrasted with the solidity and thickness (in some cases) and the pulsing and the warmth. I like the feel of a hardon pressing up against me, so long as it’s from someone I want pressing a hardon up against me. When I’m receptive and interested and he presses up against me with that solid evidence that he wants me? Ooh, delicious feeling.

At the same time as I enjoy them, there’s something sublimely ridiculous about a hardon, and guys are frequently offended when you laugh at them. I’m not laughing at the guy; I’m laughing at the dick. There’s a difference, and it’s probably not much better when I say it that way, is it?

But c’mon now! When the two of you are snuggling, watching a movie (that isn’t a soft core film), and a hardon starts pressing into your back or ribs? That’s funny! Or endearing, sometimes.

I know that hardons aren’t always a result of physical desire, just the same way that nipple hardons on women don’t always mean “drop trou baby, I wanna fuck!” Yes, sometimes they just happen of their own accord. That’s why it’s funny! C’mon! Who else has this kind of problem? You’re walking down the street, thinking of the errands that you have to do for the day, and wha-bam! You pop a boner. You have two choices; either you get all embarrassed about it and berate yourself for ages over it, or you cope with it and laugh. Personally, as you may have noticed, I choose to laugh. Then again, I’ve never popped a boner in my life.

There’s so much about sex and sexuality that’s funny, and worth laughing over, so long as you understand that it’s not the person that’s being laughed at, but the situation. Laughing at the person can be hurtful; laughing at the situation can give you an inside joke for later.

Nonetheless, hardons are entertaining. They stick straight out and demand attention – there’s really no negotiating around them sometimes. Mind you, that’s also partly the guy’s fault sometimes – if he’s making it bob around or holding it in your face, that’s a bit of a different story.

Guys can be so horrified or embarrassed when they have a hardon, which always makes me laugh. Is it really that bad being teased over having had a natural biological function over which you have no control (usually)? Admittedly, if you’re sitting in class thinking dirty thoughts, then it’s your own fault if you have a hardon; but otherwise, who cares, really? Honestly, it’s usually not as obvious as you may think, especially if you’re wearing jeans that aren’t super-tight or super-baggy.

I have to admit, unless a guy is pressed up against me or naked beside me, I basically never notice if he has a hardon or not. Call me stupid, call me oblivious, but … stop worrying about ‘em, and let those of us that love the cock have fun with ‘em… once you’re done playing with them yourselves.

In the meantime, I’m off to find myself a cock to “twoing”.

Sidenote to my readers... thank you for your patience with my missed deadlines over the last few weeks. It's been a crazy time for writing and exams, but that's for all intents and puposes passed now. I should be better at getting things posted from now onwards, so enjoy. Again, thanks.

posted by Jen on 1:58 PM



Show me the money…shot

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately thinking about sex.

Yes, this may come as a shock to some, but I think about sex a lot. Guys are supposedly thinking about it every what, seven seconds? Well hey, maybe I’m just a guy with an extra leg of chromosome to give me all the fun parts.

I think about sex a lot, and every now and then someone hits me with a comment or a question that makes me stop and pause and realize, “That’s right, not everyone is like me.”

Now, my rule of thumb is Every Person Is Different. It’s something I’ve picked up off a mailing list I belong to, and it’s something that I’ve long held dear, even before then. So yes, on a conscious level I’m aware that we’re not all the same. But sometimes it takes some reminding, and my latest quest for pornography has made that supremely clear.

I realize no one will believe it, but I rarely read or look at porn online. I mean, sure, every now and then I’ll drop into and check to see if there’s anything good, but really, I don’t get off on still images, and there’s a lot of video that just isn’t long enough or worth it, so I usually rely on my own imagination, which is fertile enough to keep me going.

But that’s me, and you’re not me.

Video porn is has a lot of good and bad to say for it, and one of the those things that can be both is the money shot. For anyone that doesn’t know, the money shot is that scene in pornography where the man comes on the woman’s face. Sometimes the money shot will also refer to him coming on another other body part she makes available, but today we’ll refer to the face money shot.

I’ve discussed this one recently with two different friends of mine, both of the male persuasion, and they had different views on the subject. One has stated that he finds it sexy, and the other stated that he finds it somewhat disrespectful and distasteful. This opinion isn’t reflected in any of their other sexual interests, either; neither of them is particularly prudish, especially not the second. So, it makes me stop and think.

What is the point or the appeal of the money shot?

Now, if I wanted to go on a feminist rant, I could get into one aspect of the appeal: the whole dehumanization of the woman, showing her being degraded, ultimate power of the man over the woman, blah blah blah… and for some videos I’ve seen or people I’ve known, sure, that is the appeal. But I don’t think that’s the entire point to porn or the entire appeal, so I’m not going to bother extending that argument. Besides, I’m pro-porn, so I’m going to move right along.
I’m annoying my online friends by polling as many of them as I can, and I’ve gotten some good quotes from them:

“Why does it piss me off? Well, mainly because it's just not fun. I mean, the guy gets off, sure, but he does so in an offensive, demonstrative fashion.”

“Porn's tailored to guys' fantasies, so it fits in porn - especially since a lot of guys like the whole dominance aspect of it. In real life, though, unless she asks for it, I wouldn't do it. It seems a touch degrading in real life. And I don't see her asking for it.”

“I am indifferent towards it. I personally don't find it degrading to women, though I hear many women feel that way.”

“I always thought that make it sound almost they are passing kidney stones or something.....way too much grunting.”

“As long as he asks first? I wouldn't want someone to come on my face without asking. Frankly, it looks kinda gross.”

“Well... quite frankly I don't see why some people think it's so great. I couldn't do it...seems insulting”

But what makes it sexy? Well, it’s seeing someone have an orgasm, which is pretty sexy and lends an end point to the entire scene as it were.

One friend I just polled offered up: “It's the most personal thing to do, to orgasm. When you do it ON someone, it's great, because they accept the most personal part of you.”

As I replied, I don’t have the same equipment, so I generally don’t have much choice but to orgasm on someone.

But that’s me and you’re not me. Although if you’re a girl, chances are that you’re more like me in not having a penis than not.

Anyhow… the money shot. I guess my main thought on the money shot is that it just seems so anticlimactic, as odd as that may seem. The actress has to alternately keep her eyes open to look sexy for the camera, meet the actor’s gaze, keep her mouth open and lick her lips to look appealing, encourage the actor… and then make sure she times it properly so that her eyes are closed when he’s shooting. I mean, here’s all this effort and grunting and groaning… to do what? To spew a few teaspoons of some sticky fluid across some actress’ face. Like I said, seems anticlimactic.

Then there’s getting it out of your hair, eyebrows, ears, nose, eyes, mouth… all this effort, just for those few seconds.

Mind you, I guess the same could be said about sex itself, although the lead up to those few seconds is awfully fantastic.

I know it may not seem that way from the last two articles I’ve written, but I really do enjoy sex. I promise. I’m just not a huge proponent of the money shot. It’s more the mocking shot, I think.

Weigh in with your thoughts on the money shot...

posted by Jen on 10:51 PM


Apparently a how-to guide for sex with me. In reality, me just talking about my thoughts and experiences in love, sex and relationships.

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