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Caught next to a hard place

I like men.

This should come as no surprise to those who read these columns, or those who know me.

I like men. I like the contrasts between their bodies and mine; I like the hairy chests, the muscles, the warmth, the solidness of a man’s body. I like the weight of a guy on me or against me; I like the feel of arm or chest hair against my skin.

I love the treasure trail, or the patch of belly fur. That will amuse me a lot longer than it probably should, but what can I say? I’m easily amused. That’s why I’m straight.

You’ll get that one in a second.

Anyhow, one of the major differences between a guy’s body and mine is… you guessed it, a lack of breasts. In most cases.

But the other difference? Hardons!

I have to confess; I love the cock. It entertains me flaccid or erect. Actually, when it’s erect, it usually tempts me… or sometimes annoys me, but either way, it’s fun to play with.

Just like the wall of dildos at the porn store I wrote about before, a hardon is fun to reach out and tweak, make it bob up and down a bit. It doesn’t quite have the same “twoing!” effect that a rubber cock can have, but I’m willing to try.

I like the way a hardon feels in my hands; the smoothness of the flesh contrasted with the solidity and thickness (in some cases) and the pulsing and the warmth. I like the feel of a hardon pressing up against me, so long as it’s from someone I want pressing a hardon up against me. When I’m receptive and interested and he presses up against me with that solid evidence that he wants me? Ooh, delicious feeling.

At the same time as I enjoy them, there’s something sublimely ridiculous about a hardon, and guys are frequently offended when you laugh at them. I’m not laughing at the guy; I’m laughing at the dick. There’s a difference, and it’s probably not much better when I say it that way, is it?

But c’mon now! When the two of you are snuggling, watching a movie (that isn’t a soft core film), and a hardon starts pressing into your back or ribs? That’s funny! Or endearing, sometimes.

I know that hardons aren’t always a result of physical desire, just the same way that nipple hardons on women don’t always mean “drop trou baby, I wanna fuck!” Yes, sometimes they just happen of their own accord. That’s why it’s funny! C’mon! Who else has this kind of problem? You’re walking down the street, thinking of the errands that you have to do for the day, and wha-bam! You pop a boner. You have two choices; either you get all embarrassed about it and berate yourself for ages over it, or you cope with it and laugh. Personally, as you may have noticed, I choose to laugh. Then again, I’ve never popped a boner in my life.

There’s so much about sex and sexuality that’s funny, and worth laughing over, so long as you understand that it’s not the person that’s being laughed at, but the situation. Laughing at the person can be hurtful; laughing at the situation can give you an inside joke for later.

Nonetheless, hardons are entertaining. They stick straight out and demand attention – there’s really no negotiating around them sometimes. Mind you, that’s also partly the guy’s fault sometimes – if he’s making it bob around or holding it in your face, that’s a bit of a different story.

Guys can be so horrified or embarrassed when they have a hardon, which always makes me laugh. Is it really that bad being teased over having had a natural biological function over which you have no control (usually)? Admittedly, if you’re sitting in class thinking dirty thoughts, then it’s your own fault if you have a hardon; but otherwise, who cares, really? Honestly, it’s usually not as obvious as you may think, especially if you’re wearing jeans that aren’t super-tight or super-baggy.

I have to admit, unless a guy is pressed up against me or naked beside me, I basically never notice if he has a hardon or not. Call me stupid, call me oblivious, but … stop worrying about ‘em, and let those of us that love the cock have fun with ‘em… once you’re done playing with them yourselves.

In the meantime, I’m off to find myself a cock to “twoing”.

Sidenote to my readers... thank you for your patience with my missed deadlines over the last few weeks. It's been a crazy time for writing and exams, but that's for all intents and puposes passed now. I should be better at getting things posted from now onwards, so enjoy. Again, thanks.

posted by Jen on 1:58 PM


Apparently a how-to guide for sex with me. In reality, me just talking about my thoughts and experiences in love, sex and relationships.

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