More things I don’t understand

Just because I’m in a contemplative or non-understanding mood lately, I have a few more things to cover under that same heading.

More things I don’t understand… guys who claim to love giving head and don’t wind up doing it. Do you think that “loving it” means you only do it once every two weeks when she’s fresh out of the shower? Nuh uh. Loving it means that it’s a part of sex that you like to incorporate on a regular basis; of course, if having sex every two weeks when you’re both fresh out of the shower is your regular routine, then by all means, don’t listen to me.

There seems to be a real trend in guys in my age range of sorts (30 and under, in particular), who state that oral sex is their favourite part of the equation. Now, I’m all a-tingle to hear this, but at the same time, I gotta figure that some of these guys are just selling a pretty story. Why is there such a proliferation of fish jokes if so many guys actually do prefer to give head than get it? I just don’t understand.

I realize that smell and cleanliness and flavours and the phase of the moon can all be factors that influence whether or not the experience is a positive one for both parties involved. If any of the above are real factors for you, then take your lady friend into the shower, give her a sexy wash, and either while in there or after you leave the shower, go to town.

If she doesn’t continue to get the hint, then it’s time to sit her down and have a good chat with her – but a positive one, not one that’ll send her off crying to a locked room, ‘cause then my friend, I doubt you’d be getting any from that point onwards.

Now, on the flip side (equal opportunity not-understandings, here), I don’t understand girls who claim to love giving head, then never do. I’m honest; I’ll admit that plenty of things influence whether or not I want to give head on a given occasion, and guess what guys? One of those big ones is… (*drum roll*) the smell factor! Yeah, that’s right – you guys don’t always smell like a bed of roses yourselves.

Face it, it’s an area of your body that generally gets somewhat sweaty, it’s bound up in underwear – especially if you have a predilection for tighty whities – and while it’s certainly natural for any area of your body to have some ‘flavour’ to it (“Garçon, I would like the steak with the sauce of penis sweat”), that doesn’t mean that anyone has to like it or that it’s a party in our mouths and you’re invited.

So, out of deference to our poor tastebuds and sense of decorum, if you’ve just been jogging around and working out, or even just running around all day in jeans that weren’t fresh out of the wash – how about having a shower before you start giving our heads the push? Then perhaps you will find that the lady who claimed to love giving head might be just a bit more enthused about the process.

That’s not to say that we can’t always bear the smell, or that the only way for either gender to have Fantastic Sex™ is for both parties to be fresh out of the shower, but sometimes it can be… overwhelming. The same as I imagine sometimes our parts can be overwhelming fresh out of the undermentionables. Turn about is fair play.

Now, if you’re fresh out of the shower, you’ve given your privates the sniff test and they passed, and your lady still only goes down on you when you beg and cajole and offer untold hours of oral pleasure in return… chances are you have yourself someone who wasn’t being fully honest when she claimed to be able to suck start a Harley and love every minute of it.

In this case, it’s more about communication if you really want to know what’s going on, and possibly get more head out of it. Ask her why she doesn’t like it, and be prepared for some honesty – maybe: “My jaw gets sore; my neck gets sore; you want me to talk and suck at the same time and I can’t do that; I don’t like the smell; it’s uncomfortable; I don’t want to deal with the mess at the end; I don’t want to swallow; I just don’t feel like it; you want head all the time; you’re too big…” there could be any number of reasons why, and hopefully your lady is able to tell you truthfully why she isn’t doing it as much as you want. Then you can work on things together from there.

But in the end, what it all boils down to for both sides of the gender divide is to avoid laying claim to skills or preferences when you just don’t have ‘em. That leaves room for those of us who do have the mad skillz to brag and be believed.
posted by Jen on 12:11 PM

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Things I don’t understand

Okay, so today’s column is both late and it’s a mish-mash of things I just don’t get about people – men and women equally – when it comes to sex.

First of all, I’d like to begin by saying that I do not understand why it is that men lie about the size of their dicks when it seems inevitable that we’re (by this I mean their potential partners) going to see them. Do they think that dicks, like cats, all look the same in the dark?

I mean, seriously now. If you take me you have a big, thick cock, chances are I’m going to look forward to feeling or seeing that sucker. But if I reach down during a heavy make-out session and think, “What, does he want me to take a memo at a time like this?” then chances are I’m not fucking fooled, and you’ve lied.

There’s an old joke that I like to tell, and it goes like this:
Q: Why are women so bad at math?
A: Because all their lives they’re told that this (hold up fingers four inches apart) is eight inches.

I gotta say guys, no one is fooled by you adding four inches onto your overall length. Sure, you can probably exaggerate by an inch and no one’s the wiser -- after all, few of us are about to whip out a measuring tape in the heat of passion to check your claim -- but when you’re practically doubling your actual length, I’m gonna find out one way or the other. I mean, it really doesn’t take much to figure out that if I can wrap one hand around you and be done with it – and lemme tell you, I do not have especially large hands – then I’m not fooled. Period.

So be honest with your future partners – if you’ve got yourself a tiny tadger, don’t say you’re packing a monster prick. The only person you’re fooling is yourself, and chances are that unlike me or any other potential partner, you’re not going to be disappointed with your delusions of grandeur. After all, they say that it’s the motion of the ocean and not the size of the boat, and partly that’s true (and another column), but it’s also the mad skillz that you can employ with your hands and mouth that factor into things.

Secondly, I’ll attack my gender for some balance. Why the hell do women fake orgasms? Is there something wrong with not coming every single time you have sex (and that’s another column)? If your guy is never gonna make it happen, then change the position and fuck him stupid until he comes. Then, when you’re both of clearer heads and interested in a new mode of attack, go at it. Teach him how to get you off. But don’t be faking your pleasure – you’re only cheating yourself.

It doesn’t have to be a blatant statement like, “Darlin’, you suck at giving me head and I’m falling asleep up here. Get up here and fuck me,” although that would certainly be effective, I’m sure. Probably at killing your guy (or gal)’s ardour, but it’s not up to me to tell you what is the right or wrong way for you to communicate with your partner.

Oh, wait. This is my column. Sure it is!

If your partner’s enthusiasm just ain’t making it happen for you, then move on to something else. Get him or her to start playing with you by hand, and be sure to offer lots of praise and encouragement – be it something as obvious as, “Oooh yeah, right there, that’s working, don’t stop that” or lots of moaning and heavy breathing. Don’t do anything you find awkward or uncomfortable, but at the same time, don’t lie there like a cold fish, especially if it’s working.

Don’t be afraid to reach down there and show him or her how you like it; if you’re comfortable enough with your partner touching you, what’s the big deal with you touching yourself in front of him or her? After all, it’s your body, you’re free to abuse it as you see fit. A lot of men feel that an incredibly sexy sight is seeing their lady enjoy herself, and often they’re not too discriminatory as to whether it’s him or she doing the work.

In the end, even if you’re the one getting yourself off, at least you’re getting some satisfaction out of the deal, no? And wouldn’t you have screwed yourself anyhow if you had faked an orgasm? Think about it, there’s some philosophical twisty thinking for you in the midst of the chicanery that is this article.

On that note, I sum up: guys, don’t lie about the size of your dicks, ‘cause guess what – it’s not a secret you can keep for long (especially if you like the one you’re with). Girls, don’t fake orgasms – you’re cheating yourself most of all, but how the hell is your partner supposed to learn how to get you off if you’re training him to do the exact wrong thing?
posted by Jen on 3:42 AM

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I’m so close… And, we’re done.

”...bite my lip and close my eyes/take me away to paradise...”

Aren’t orgasms a wonderful thing?

I should just end this column there, shouldn’t I? Just twiddle my thumbs (so to speak) as everyone gets lost in a reverie, imagining how great it feels to come, whether alone, with a partner, a crowd, in the midst of sex, or even in the midst of a really great dream.

But that would be cheating all of you, and since this column has arrived late anyhow, I’m going to go off onto a little tangent about the joys of coming and the flip side of it – not coming.

To begin. Orgasms are a wonderful thing.

There, now the flip side.

What, you wanted more? Okay, imaging lying there on the bed, writhing back and forth as someone does their best to tease, torture and tantalize you with their hands and mouth across your delicate nether regions (be they of the ‘innie’ or ‘outie’ variety), listening to you gasp and moan and privately delighting in every little twitch you make. Meanwhile, you’re alternately praising and cursing this person who is bringing you closer and closer to that ultimate release and yet drawing it out so that you both suffer and enjoy your final moment(s) all the more…

Need I go on?

Imagine the blessed release, that moment of absolute and total lack of control over your body as it spasms and pulses, your back arches or your hands clench, your toes curl and you either express or suppress the sounds of ecstasy you’re making in the back of your throat when you finally do get to come…

(I think I need a cold shower.)

Now, imagine you can’t do that. Imagine you get close and your partner finishes before you, and has no interest whatsoever in seeing that you achieve that same, blissful state of Nirvana.

In that case, your partner is a bum and should be kicked out of your bed, unless they have some sort of redeeming skill that you can make use of on other occasions – like giving great head (that term works for both genders), or rewiring your bedroom, or what have you. It’s up to you.

But what if you’re of the group of people – typically women – who simply doesn’t orgasm from sex, or even orgasm at all? Then guess what, you’re in the majority, at least according to studies I’ve read.

There’s a lot of ‘em out there; they either can’t come period, or just not from sex. It’s somewhat frustrating, but there you have it.

So, what do you do? Well, either acquaint your hands and mouth with their tender parts, or figure out how to best stimulate them, if they're willing to participate (and if not, I certainly am).

The thing is, for some women, coming is a very private matter, and there are women who don’t feel comfortable doing so in front of someone else.

For others, it’s something that’s really difficult to achieve, so they simply don’t request it of their partners. I’ve been in the situation where nothing that was being done was going to work, so it was just easier to give up and move on to something else than to worry about me.

Hell, I’ve had some partners who didn’t really care if I got mine after they got theirs. Because it’s not always an easy task to achieve, I’ve developed the attitude of not being overly concerned about it. People always say that if you get all worked up about it, it’s going to be harder to come, right? So, I try to stay relaxed.

But sometimes a sense of complacency works against you; if you don’t throw a screaming hissy fit (different than having a screaming orgasm) every time you don’t come, some guys just develop an equally (or more so) laissez-faire attitude to whether or not you get off.

Who’s to blame? Me for not tearing down my partner’s bedroom skillz if he can’t get me off or him for deciding not to feel like less of a lover who's inclined to try harder ‘cause he didn’t get me off?

It’s somewhat equally shared, I think. Communication is really important in and out of the bedroom – don’t be afraid to tell your activities partner what works or doesn’t work for you, and be sure to tell them how important you find an orgasm to be. If it’s a situation like I described, and he’s still leaving you hanging, start turning the tables. Stop before he gets off, and see how he feels about it.

I think it’s only fair.

Okay, so it’s not. The best solution, I think, is if after being told: “Hey, I like to come, too,” your partner still hasn’t caught on – toss ‘em. Everyone deserves a great time in bed, and that includes someone who can make you lose your mind.

And since I hate cold showers... I'm off for awhile.
posted by Jen on 12:24 AM

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Now I lay me down to sleep

All kinds of exciting things happen to us when we sleep. Mouths are open, drooling or snoring or breathing or sighing; eyes are closed or, as in my case, open; we twitch, we shudder, we grumble, we moan... all of which is often tied into our dreams, whether we remember them or not.

I don't think I'm alone when I say I've had some really raunchy dreams, and those have led to my waking up with quite the smile on my face. But as a girl, that's realy the only "problem" I've had with any dirty dreams I've had; unless it was waking up too early to be "satisfied."

Now, when I was avidly devouring the "What's Happening to my Body?: Book for Girls" and assorted other literature available to curious eyes, I learned of the ability for men to have "exciting" dreams. THese were dreams that could have an... umm... embarrassing physical effect. To white: making young guys do their own laundry. Furtively. What could be more humiliating to a young lad than to have to wash his own sheets?

Okay, the reason behind it might be more so; because, sometime in the middle of the night, they had released a wet, white testament to the erotic nature of their dream. Maybe they couldn't remember the dream, maybe it wasn't erotic, but the evidence ws there the next day, as if it were Lewinsky's dress covering them -- there was something there to be cleaned up.

Now, the books made it seem as if every guy experienced wet dreams, as if they all woke up in the morning, sheets or pyjamas glued to their bodies. Naturally, this phenemenon fascinated me, even while I felt bad for those who had to do an early-morning load of laundry.

But conversations with my friends at an adult age showed that few of my guy friends actually ever had wet dreams as a kid, or if they did, they certainly didn't remember them.

Some of them put their lack of nocturnal spoogeing down to the fact that they began masturbating at a young age; yet I have friends who are celibate and don't jack off, or who have chosen not to beat off as a test of sorts, and these same friends haven't awoken to cold come on a warm stomach.

So then, why do some people get to have sexy dreams with a nighttime release, and others just wake up horny? (No, not just with morning wood, that's different; actually horny).

Hell if I know. The best thing I can figure is every person is different, and run with that. My childhood reading sure led me to beileve that the experience was one all guys had, but obviously not (it reminds me of a story a friend of mine told me just last night; apparently his sex education teacher told the class that all penises are the same size when erect. What a disappointment that must've been to some kids when they found otherwise... and bragging time for others, I'm sure).

I suppose that not everyone shares this experience isn't a bad thing; after all, who has the time to do a load of laundry before they go to school in the morning -- at least, when you're nine or ten?

I think I'm glad that when I wake up in the morning, I just have to do my regular routine. I don't have to wait until the morning wood goes away, or check to ensure I don't have any telling stains on my clothes. That's not to say that I don't enjoy dicks on their own; I just wouldn't want to own one.
posted by Jen on 12:02 AM

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