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I’m so close… And, we’re done.

”...bite my lip and close my eyes/take me away to paradise...”

Aren’t orgasms a wonderful thing?

I should just end this column there, shouldn’t I? Just twiddle my thumbs (so to speak) as everyone gets lost in a reverie, imagining how great it feels to come, whether alone, with a partner, a crowd, in the midst of sex, or even in the midst of a really great dream.

But that would be cheating all of you, and since this column has arrived late anyhow, I’m going to go off onto a little tangent about the joys of coming and the flip side of it – not coming.

To begin. Orgasms are a wonderful thing.

There, now the flip side.

What, you wanted more? Okay, imaging lying there on the bed, writhing back and forth as someone does their best to tease, torture and tantalize you with their hands and mouth across your delicate nether regions (be they of the ‘innie’ or ‘outie’ variety), listening to you gasp and moan and privately delighting in every little twitch you make. Meanwhile, you’re alternately praising and cursing this person who is bringing you closer and closer to that ultimate release and yet drawing it out so that you both suffer and enjoy your final moment(s) all the more…

Need I go on?

Imagine the blessed release, that moment of absolute and total lack of control over your body as it spasms and pulses, your back arches or your hands clench, your toes curl and you either express or suppress the sounds of ecstasy you’re making in the back of your throat when you finally do get to come…

(I think I need a cold shower.)

Now, imagine you can’t do that. Imagine you get close and your partner finishes before you, and has no interest whatsoever in seeing that you achieve that same, blissful state of Nirvana.

In that case, your partner is a bum and should be kicked out of your bed, unless they have some sort of redeeming skill that you can make use of on other occasions – like giving great head (that term works for both genders), or rewiring your bedroom, or what have you. It’s up to you.

But what if you’re of the group of people – typically women – who simply doesn’t orgasm from sex, or even orgasm at all? Then guess what, you’re in the majority, at least according to studies I’ve read.

There’s a lot of ‘em out there; they either can’t come period, or just not from sex. It’s somewhat frustrating, but there you have it.

So, what do you do? Well, either acquaint your hands and mouth with their tender parts, or figure out how to best stimulate them, if they're willing to participate (and if not, I certainly am).

The thing is, for some women, coming is a very private matter, and there are women who don’t feel comfortable doing so in front of someone else.

For others, it’s something that’s really difficult to achieve, so they simply don’t request it of their partners. I’ve been in the situation where nothing that was being done was going to work, so it was just easier to give up and move on to something else than to worry about me.

Hell, I’ve had some partners who didn’t really care if I got mine after they got theirs. Because it’s not always an easy task to achieve, I’ve developed the attitude of not being overly concerned about it. People always say that if you get all worked up about it, it’s going to be harder to come, right? So, I try to stay relaxed.

But sometimes a sense of complacency works against you; if you don’t throw a screaming hissy fit (different than having a screaming orgasm) every time you don’t come, some guys just develop an equally (or more so) laissez-faire attitude to whether or not you get off.

Who’s to blame? Me for not tearing down my partner’s bedroom skillz if he can’t get me off or him for deciding not to feel like less of a lover who's inclined to try harder ‘cause he didn’t get me off?

It’s somewhat equally shared, I think. Communication is really important in and out of the bedroom – don’t be afraid to tell your activities partner what works or doesn’t work for you, and be sure to tell them how important you find an orgasm to be. If it’s a situation like I described, and he’s still leaving you hanging, start turning the tables. Stop before he gets off, and see how he feels about it.

I think it’s only fair.

Okay, so it’s not. The best solution, I think, is if after being told: “Hey, I like to come, too,” your partner still hasn’t caught on – toss ‘em. Everyone deserves a great time in bed, and that includes someone who can make you lose your mind.

And since I hate cold showers... I'm off for awhile.

posted by Jen on 12:24 AM


Apparently a how-to guide for sex with me. In reality, me just talking about my thoughts and experiences in love, sex and relationships.

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