I love you, now it's over

The First Love. For some people, that's equal to the Only Love. to others, it's just a small number that happened to come first of many.

Not everyone winds up with their First Love, but few people forget them, regardless how the relationships itself ended.

The First Love isn't always the first boyfriend or girlfriend, the first person you kissed, or even the first person you slept with.

The First Love can be a sweet, tender, childlike event -- when you were six years old and the little red-haired girl sat with you at recess and gave you half of her sandwich for soe of your pudding cup -- or it can be a thoroughly grown-up, heart-wrenching affair.

Sometimes it's the person who first touches your heart and shows you what a real relationship can be like, and sometimes it's just the first person to hold you close and lavish you with affection and attention.

It's a heady experience, the first time you share a relationship with someone special; the first person to pay particular attention to you, to kiss you and hold you and comfort you and care about you... The first person to whom you want to tell your good news and bad news, and the first person you want to kiss, caress, and ride hard and put away wet. If you're into that sort of thing.

So, when things start to cool off between you and your First Love, it's understandable if things go really sour. You may start to grow apart, especially if you're together during transitory times in your lives. High school, university, beginning a "grown-up" life, a new job -- they're all major changes and they can all be difficult to maintain a relationship through.

However... this doesn't mean that these are easy things with which to cope or adjust. It's hard to accept the loss of someone near and dear to you, especially if it's the first major or loving relationship you've experienced. It can be hard to believe that another wonderful person can or will be around; that particular mix of traits that you love so much might be apparent in someone else. Heck, the next person you find may have those good traits and few of the current love's annoying ones.

As well, going from being in a loving, committed (or open if you choose) relationship to being... just awkward friends or strangers can be quite painful. It's weird to see someone that you used to snuggle up to or bare your body and know that that will never happen... or that it's highly unlikely (unless you date some of the same guys I do... but that's a whole other story). Knowing that someone else will get to have all of those perks and tender moments with your First Love and you won't is hard and it hurts and it sucks.

My First Love relationship ended a few times, and painfully. I don't consider this to be a very unique story; I have every belief that many of you could say the same. It took me awhile to move on; I pretty much had to fall for someone else before I felt I was completely over the First. That part more or less sucked.

Now, however, I can look back on the relationship and smile, rather than feel hurt. But, he certainly left his mark on me, and while at times that mark felt more like a scar, I certainly don't regret our relationship.

I think sometimes you have to get hurt to really appreciate the love. It's when you've known the love that it can be really hard to let go, and especially to trust again. But, that's another column.
posted by Jen on 1:24 AM

|

 

Body Talk

Being naked in front of someone else is a vulnerable time. Depending on the lighting, you’re no longer able to hide those bulges, stretch marks, weird patches of hair, or other body “flaws” that you dislike.

All of a sudden, you’re on display for someone else and now they’re going to judge you, whether they admit to it or not. Let’s all face it; I’m sure there’s been at least one time in your life that you saw someone you’d been lusting after naked and thought, “Oh… my. Hrm.”

These are the things movies and romance novels don’t tell us, people.

I think many of us have done the stomach suck-in or had the dislike for certain positions because of how they would be unflattering to our bodies. Maybe you didn’t want her to see that you have moles on your back or you didn’t want him to know that you had hairy toes, but let’s face it; when you’re naked, it’s hard to hide these things.

Sometimes I think it’s easier to play the fully-clothed flirtation game. It’s great to have someone flirting with me and attracted to me based on how I looked when I’m completely dressed (whether those clothes are “revealing” or not), but the idea that they might look at me naked and go, “Oh, damn. I left the iron on and I have to wash my hair and my family’s coming to town so I’ll be busy for the next few… weeks, yeah, weeks!” is pretty scary.

But when you’re blind-sided by lust for someone, you’re not categorizing their faults as carefully. It’s perhaps when you’re not in the mood and they’re dancing in front of you, wiggling the bait-and-tackle or jiggling the mammaries that you might be more inclined to mental ridicule. Or maybe that’s just me. But trust me, if you’d seen some of the guys I’ve known… well, let’s just leave it there and carry on.

Of course, since none of us are perfect, we usually don’t expect our partners to be. Speaking as someone who’s never been fully satisfied with her body, when I see or get involved with someone who has a really fantastic figure, it tends to make me somewhat more self-conscious about my own, pockets of flab and all.

But at the same time, I’ve had first encounters when all I thought was, “Wow!” Later conversations may have revealed that that partner had issues with some aspect of his body, but at the time I wasn’t thinking of that. So why am I so paranoid that the first thing a guy thinks when he sees my body naked is, “Geez, can’t she get rid of that flab?”

I think in the end, it’s all about attitude. If you show that you love your body and all its imperfections, then chances are higher that others are going to feel the same way. Of course, you’ll never be able to please everyone; some people are just always going to wish you were better hung or more chesty, but that’s personal preference and nothing against you, personally. We all have what makes us hot, but many of us aren't that cut-and-dried; it's rarely a case of, "If you don't measure this much or have hair this colour, I'm not gonna do ya."

For the most part, if you want to draw people to you, love what you've got and the rest'll come from there. On the other hand, if you're with someone and you don't immediately love what they've got, wait a bit; sometimes they'll grow on you. If not, then hey: the sea is full of fish. You guys take the fish, and in the meantime, I'll take the guys.
posted by Jen on 11:51 AM

|

 

"So then I said ... eh what ossifer?"

Okay, so I'm too tipsy and too tired to come up with a good drunken title. That's supposed to be someone talking while drunk. Imagine it, if you will. If you won't... then... take off, eh?

Yay for alcohol, that's today's theme. Y'know what's fun? Posting while semi-drunk. Y'know what's more fun? Getting laid while drunk!

Why's that, you say? Well, if you can manage to pour your sloshed sweetheart (say that one three times fast while drunk) into a bed long enough, you two can have an awful lot of fun. Only if the two of you are consenting adults, of course. I, the DrunkenWhore (was there ever a more fitting moniker?), do not approve of taking advantage of someone who happens to be inebriated. It's only fair to fuck while fucked if you'd both consent while sober. Okay? Okay.

Now we can move on.

So, when one happens to be in a less inhibited state, one happens to be... well, less inhibited, as it were. Personally, I have enjoyed some drunken sex on occasion, and it's pretty fun, I think. Clothes go flying everywhere (or just kinda get lobbed off to the side, 'cause let's face it, if you're drunk, your co-ordination happens to somewhat suck, as all the typos I'm having to correct at the moment can certainly attest), the two of you are throwing one another about the room, and words are flying that you'd never soberly imagine yourself saying.

I remember the first time I participated in some drunken sex, I think I kept up a running commentary the entire time. For all I know, I was narrating the annual migration of the Monarch butterfly, but my partner didn't seem to mind -- I was talking the whole time, and it would appear that's something I needed to get some liquor into my system to do.

Other people, when intoxicated, will be more readily prompted to do things like a strip tease, or some on-top action, or even some threesome or moresome action. Again, if it's something that might potentially put your health or mental well-being at risk, I advise not using alcohol to loosen your inhibitions; while it's all well and good to be vaguely embarrassed at something you might've done the night before, it's all bad and bad to be severely regretful.

The other thing to keep in mind if you’re engaging in some drunken activities is whether your tolerance level can handle your level of intoxication. I.e., are you going to be providing the embarrassing stories for the evening as the one who threw up during the monkey sex? Or even worse, the one who passed out before it was over?

There’s little else more embarrassing in the world than to have to go up to one of your activities partners the next day and say, “Okay, umm… I’m really sorry, but I can’t quite remember – did I pass out before we finished, or what?” It could make for a funny story down the line, but… do you really want to go through it?

Of course, what could be worse is having someone else come up to you and say, “I’m really sorry, but…” and you not even recognize the person’s face – or it’s someone you wouldn’t sleep with in a million years.

And we come to the next thing to worry about when practicing drunken sex – are you going to wind up sleeping with a horror story? Someone who’s coyote ugly? Someone you’d not sleep with if offered a million and one dollars? And so on and so forth; you know the types of person I’m talking about.

Or worse, you sleep with someone and forget to protect yourself. Worse than sleeping with your worst enemy, worse than waking up the next morning and asking the, “Excuse me, but…”, worse is realizing you didn’t use anything. You could get someone pregnant, get pregnant, or even get diseased – and not even know it for months.

So, after extolling the virtues of drunken sex and then turning around and trashing them, you’re confused as to what this DrunkenWhore is advocating, right? Right. This DrunkenWhore is advocating either drinking just with your sweetie(s) and having the monkey sex you know you’d enjoy whether drunk as a skunk or sober as a judge (why do skunks get all the fun?), or simply having some spotters about to make sure you don’t hook up with someone you’ll regret later.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a bed to climb into before I sober up. See, I’ve had these thoughts a-floatin’ around my mind that I would just love to try out, if only I weren’t so inhibited…
posted by Jen on 3:01 AM

|

 

Lights go on... lights go off...

I'm one of the millions of people who feels her body isn't all that fantastic. It's pudgy in the wrong places, and in the act of gettin' it on, there are many positions into which I contort that are not exactly what you might call flattering.

Add to that some truly goony faces I may (if so enticed) or may not be (if bored) making, and I'm usually not especially eager to be having sex under a spotlight.

Since there's usually a shortage of spotlights in people's bedrooms -- at least those with whom I engage in intimate relations -- most people make do with overhead lighting. This, too, makes me uncomfortable. I find the ability of my partner to see my every flacial contortion and expression a little unnerving, off-putting, intimidating... the list goes on.

Now, depending on my mood, pitch black can be pretty sexy and fun. Who doesn't find a potential injury a turn-on? Okay, so after awhile your eyes adjust and the possibility of losing your nose to someone's forehead lessens, but the majority of your sight is removed and I find that pretty fun.

But between the two extremes lies a nice compromise; candlelight, firelight, Christmas lights... each of these are a less direct source of light that won't blind you if you wind up in a position whereby you're staring directly into it.

No one looks bad in candlelight. Actually, I could offer up an ex-boyfriend or two who do, but I doubt any of my readers are sleeping with them. Ew.

Anyhow, candlelight is pretty flattering to everyone -- it softtens the lines of the face and body, its flickering helps to eliminate long exposures of unflattering what-have-yous to your partner's eye. That's not to say your partner would be horrified by the fact that your skin isn't as tight or smooth as an android's bottom. The real fact of the matter is that if you feel inhibited or uncomfortable, you won't enjoy rumpling the sheets as much with your sweetie.

If you don't have a lot of candles, try putting them in front of a mirror to spread the light.

Now that I'm done channeling Martha, carrying on:

Firelight is a pretty sexy alternative, should you have a fireplace, quiet spot at a bonfire, or a burning house.

Again you have the flickering flames to help hide body flaws and create a nice, sensual atmosphere. As well, if it's a cold evening, the fireplace can add some heat to that which the two of you are creating together.

A bonfire has the added sensuality of being outdoors, with the possibility of perhaps being seen, overheard, or caught outright. If outdoor sex is your thing, then by all means, bang away; just make sure anyone else who might be around won't be offended if they wind up being privy to it. Otherwise, you might have some fences to mend once you and your honey stop knockin' boots.

Now, if you're gettin' it on in front of a housefire, I hope you at least called 911 first. Those are your (or someone else's) earthly possessions disappearing in smoke, and it's a real shame to lose all of that just for the sake of some sex, physical enjoyment, and orgasms. Mmmm... orgasms.

Finally, Christmas (or other decorative) lights can make a nice background light by which to get freaky, and you get to choose the colour most flattering to you. Blue or green lights are ones I'd suggest avoiding -- it's tough to be sexy when one looks sickly. A mix of colours could work well, and with all the moving around, you likely won't be in any unflattering lighting for long.

In all, I think a good compromise can be struck between those who prefer to hide in the dark and those who like to display it all under full light. The most important thing is that everyone is having a good time -- if not, then it's time to figure something out to make it so. If you can't talk to your partner about it, or don't really want to, then just set it up as an entire seduction scene, and enjoy.
posted by Jen on 4:48 PM

|

 

How to Seduce a Woman

Okay, I have to admit that my experience with the above is somewhat limited, but I do know what gets my juices flowing, so I will speak authoritatively on that very subject.

First and foremost, asking her to sleep with you secretly is, I have to admit, the ultimate way to get a woman into your bed. After all, women adore being thought of merely as sex toys, and we want even less to do with you in person than you want to do with us.

Secondly, by all means, disavow any knowledge of us in public after we’ve slept together. Don’t let on to anyone else by even looking at us that we have known one another in the carnal sense. Looking at a woman while you talk to her is a dead giveaway that they two of you have done the nasty, and before long it’ll be all over your group of friends/workplace/school and your days of being a single man are over.

Thirdly, call her a bitch, a frigid bitch, a dyke, a lesbian or any other term you can think of that you might feel is insulting if she doesn’t sleep with you. After all, if she doesn’t want to ride your manly meat, then she must be frigid or only interested in the ladies, right? I mean, hell! Any other women would rip off her underwear in a display of abject devotion and desire to become your wanton sex slave if you so much as glanced her way, so what’s wrong with this stuck-up cunt, right? Right.

Fourthly, write her love notes. No, I don’t mean things with hearts and flowers or other mushy displays like that. No, no, that’s for when you’re actually interested in her beyond her tits and what’s between her legs. I’m talking something absolutely stellar, something that’s guaranteed to have her naked, prostate before your buff, handsome, sexy penetrating missile of love, just begging for your attention.

Luckily, I was fortunate enough to receive a message that fits as a perfect example, so I’m going to use it here to share with you. I have, of course, removed the name of my suitor, but it’s a shame that no further information was given by this person, ‘cause boy oh boy am I just panting to get with him. Or her. It’s hard to tell on the Internet.

Anyhow, without further delay, I present to you, the Ultimate Gettin’ Me Some Love Note:

“i wanna suck u til u squirm!
i wanna lick u til ur dry then im gonna finger u hard til u cry.

i want ur pussy in my mouth!”

Let me tell you, the idea of being licked until I’m dry or fingered hard until I cry – well, just sign me up right now, ‘cause I can’t wait.

Now, on a totally separate note because I tire of this premise and won’t be able to stretch it out for another 300 words or so (yeah, I’m that lazy), I’m going to take on another thing I don’t understand here.

I do not do not do not understand people – guys and girls – who start out their romantic actions with pain. I mean, sure, I can understand and appreciate pain as it pertains to the dirty act of love makin’, but that’s a different thing entirely.

That to which I refer is those guys who get your shirt off, get you all excited and eagerly anticipating the touch of their callused fingers on your tender nipples (sorry, slipped into a bit of romance novel there), and then they squeeze the shit out of your nipples!!!

What the fuck is up with that?!?

I mean, yeah, there are lots of people who love to have their nipples squeezed, and it can be great fun to be inflicting that type of torture and seeing someone gasping and groaning beneath your hands, but to me it makes more sense to start out gently and work your way up to painful.

Find out of your girl (or boy, I’m an equal opportunity nipple abuser) is into painful manipulation of her mammary tips before you dredge out the pliers and go to town.

But that’s just me; I try to treat people in bed the way I want to be treated, and I think semi-logically about things. Not to say that I’m whipping out the pencil and paper to play psychiatrist over everyone’s fetishes and fantasies, but I do think “gentle first, then pain” makes a lot more sense. After all, too much pain = angry nerve endings and boobies that don’t want to be handled anymore, thereby cutting off a tremendous source of pleasure; at least for me.

Anyhow, I have a rule of thumb I’ve shared with many; whatever happens to my nipples, I get to do to your testicles. Think about that when you bring out the clamps, would you?
posted by Jen on 3:16 PM

|