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How to Seduce a Woman

Okay, I have to admit that my experience with the above is somewhat limited, but I do know what gets my juices flowing, so I will speak authoritatively on that very subject.

First and foremost, asking her to sleep with you secretly is, I have to admit, the ultimate way to get a woman into your bed. After all, women adore being thought of merely as sex toys, and we want even less to do with you in person than you want to do with us.

Secondly, by all means, disavow any knowledge of us in public after we’ve slept together. Don’t let on to anyone else by even looking at us that we have known one another in the carnal sense. Looking at a woman while you talk to her is a dead giveaway that they two of you have done the nasty, and before long it’ll be all over your group of friends/workplace/school and your days of being a single man are over.

Thirdly, call her a bitch, a frigid bitch, a dyke, a lesbian or any other term you can think of that you might feel is insulting if she doesn’t sleep with you. After all, if she doesn’t want to ride your manly meat, then she must be frigid or only interested in the ladies, right? I mean, hell! Any other women would rip off her underwear in a display of abject devotion and desire to become your wanton sex slave if you so much as glanced her way, so what’s wrong with this stuck-up cunt, right? Right.

Fourthly, write her love notes. No, I don’t mean things with hearts and flowers or other mushy displays like that. No, no, that’s for when you’re actually interested in her beyond her tits and what’s between her legs. I’m talking something absolutely stellar, something that’s guaranteed to have her naked, prostate before your buff, handsome, sexy penetrating missile of love, just begging for your attention.

Luckily, I was fortunate enough to receive a message that fits as a perfect example, so I’m going to use it here to share with you. I have, of course, removed the name of my suitor, but it’s a shame that no further information was given by this person, ‘cause boy oh boy am I just panting to get with him. Or her. It’s hard to tell on the Internet.

Anyhow, without further delay, I present to you, the Ultimate Gettin’ Me Some Love Note:

“i wanna suck u til u squirm!
i wanna lick u til ur dry then im gonna finger u hard til u cry.

i want ur pussy in my mouth!”

Let me tell you, the idea of being licked until I’m dry or fingered hard until I cry – well, just sign me up right now, ‘cause I can’t wait.

Now, on a totally separate note because I tire of this premise and won’t be able to stretch it out for another 300 words or so (yeah, I’m that lazy), I’m going to take on another thing I don’t understand here.

I do not do not do not understand people – guys and girls – who start out their romantic actions with pain. I mean, sure, I can understand and appreciate pain as it pertains to the dirty act of love makin’, but that’s a different thing entirely.

That to which I refer is those guys who get your shirt off, get you all excited and eagerly anticipating the touch of their callused fingers on your tender nipples (sorry, slipped into a bit of romance novel there), and then they squeeze the shit out of your nipples!!!

What the fuck is up with that?!?

I mean, yeah, there are lots of people who love to have their nipples squeezed, and it can be great fun to be inflicting that type of torture and seeing someone gasping and groaning beneath your hands, but to me it makes more sense to start out gently and work your way up to painful.

Find out of your girl (or boy, I’m an equal opportunity nipple abuser) is into painful manipulation of her mammary tips before you dredge out the pliers and go to town.

But that’s just me; I try to treat people in bed the way I want to be treated, and I think semi-logically about things. Not to say that I’m whipping out the pencil and paper to play psychiatrist over everyone’s fetishes and fantasies, but I do think “gentle first, then pain” makes a lot more sense. After all, too much pain = angry nerve endings and boobies that don’t want to be handled anymore, thereby cutting off a tremendous source of pleasure; at least for me.

Anyhow, I have a rule of thumb I’ve shared with many; whatever happens to my nipples, I get to do to your testicles. Think about that when you bring out the clamps, would you?

posted by Jen on 3:16 PM


Apparently a how-to guide for sex with me. In reality, me just talking about my thoughts and experiences in love, sex and relationships.

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