Wax on... wax off

This is a new feature; it's called the DrunkenWhore Reviews. This week, I review the infamous Brazilian wax. This article is going to appear in pieces, mainly because that's how it got written.

Before:
After years of battling with red bumps and imperfect shaves, sensitive skin and dull razors, I have finally decide to take the plunge. It was time to go for the Brazilian wax job.

In the sense of what I will be left with after it's all over, there's not much difference between a Brazilian and a me wielding a razor and can of shaving cream; both will be leaving me quite bald.

However, shaving isn't always perfect, even for an anal-retentive shaver such as myself. On the other hand, shaving is a fairly painless process.

If I seem nervous and indecisive, it's because I am. I'm writing this while waiting for time to pass before my appointment, for which I arrived stupidly early -- but such is the nature of the bus system.

Anyhow... it's not so much fear of the pain, but fear of the unknown. I was tense and nervous before my tattoo and two of my piercings (my first, after the earlobes, and the major one without anaesthetic). I know this will hurt, but hopefully it won't be a lingering hurt, and hopefully I won't be so soured on the experience that I refuse to return.

So that's where things stand pre-wax; nervous, hopeful that there's enough growth, and more nervous. Everyone walk away from your computers for an hour or so (twenty minutes until the appointment and an hour for the procedure -- or so I've been told), and return with me when it's all over.

[Author's note: Wow, was I ever freaked out here... check out all the rambling!]

During:
Ow.

My skin looks awfully red.

Ow.

She says I have a high pain tolerance, which is awesome; I always thought I was pretty wimpy.

Are we done yet?

Wow, that was only about twenty minutes.

After:
Okay, so it's done. I sit here, about two hours later, feeling different.

It wasn't a perfect wax, which is a bit of a shame. Had I waited a bit longer (I waited about two weeks after the last time I shaved) before I'd gone in, I'd have been better off. My skin was pretty irritated for awhile afterwards, but nothing I couldn't handle; it felt like I had a bunch of razor burn, but it didn't sting or anything.

As for pain factor... well, it's not that bad. It hurts, yes. I won't lie, and there's no way that anyone can be made to believe otherwise -- you're having someone rip out your pubic hair by the roots with hot wax. Well, warm wax. How is that not going to hurt?

I was fortunate because I don't shave every day or every other day, and I don't have a lot of hair; it only took me about twenty-five minutes or so, including clean up. I'm also pretty comfortable with my body, so it didn't bother me at all to be sprawled out half-naked in front of a stranger and help her out by holding my parts. The taughter you can hold your skin, the better off you are.

The mons (the fleshy pad of skin on your pubic bone) is the worst part. From there, it gets better, and everyone says the first time is the hardest; the lady who waxed me said that by about the fourth time, the hair just falls out when you put the wax on, 'cause the roots are weaker. They just give up.

So, all in all, my review is fairly positive. If you happen to shave and you're tired of it, go and get a Brazilian. It's up to you what you want left behind, and it's a longer-term version of what you already do. Make sure you exfoliate beforehand, and don't shave for a few weeks before you get it done -- obviously.

As for me, I can't wait to see how the next one turns out. I'll just have to wait awhile to do so.
posted by Jen on 10:53 PM

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You were saying?

Once upon a time, a reader wrote in to me to ask how to talk dirty to her boyfriend. I don’t have access to my email from where I am, so I can’t quote her, nor can I reference her email more directly than that.

So, I was going to title this post Ask the DrunkenWhore, and I still am; I just don’t really have any clever acronyms or anything else to use. So… bear with me, if you will.

Talking dirty. It’s an art, it’s fun, it’s entertaining, it’s difficult, it’s awkward, and it’s different for everyone. One person will find “Ride me like a stallion!” to be the hottest thing he’s ever heard; the next one will burst out laughing. For some people, hearing the word “fuck” in any context is dirty and wrong, for others, it’s not just a command; it’s what’s for breakfast.

No really, that does make sense. Think about it.

And finally, some people have squick words. I, for example, am not really huge on the word “panties” or “moist.” I’d rather not have someone tell me that they want to get into my panties, and boy do I feel moist. Yuck. That’s not to say that I’m about to toss a partner out of bed for saying something along those lines, but there’s that little voice inside my head that’ll either ridicule the term or cringe, and neither one is especially conducive to a hot bounce around the bed.

So, what do you do? Well, the simple and most direct way to find out what it is that your sweetie wants to hear you say is ask. However, that’s difficult and embarrassing. Or just plain disappointing, at times; if you really have to hand your lover a script, why not just read porn?

So instead, find out what kinds of things make him or her hot. Try to find a porn tape without too much corniness to it and see if there’s a particular part of what’s being said that makes your sweetie hard or wet. Try whispering particular combinations of words and see what makes them groan.

Describe what’s being done to you by your partner, or what you’re doing (so long as your mouth isn’t full or otherwise occupied – if your mouth is at work around her clit, chances are she doesn’t want you to stop to tell her that’s what you’re up to) or feeling. “Oh, that makes me so wet!” is a good one, as is the male response: “You’re making me so hard!”

Some of my particular favourites: “You’re so tight and that’s making me so crazy,” “I love how you smell/taste/feel,” “I can’t wait to be inside you,” “I want to fuck you so bad,” “I love how wet you are,” and so on and so forth.

Excuse me for a few minutes. Whew.

Now, sometimes what you’re going to say in the bedroom is really somewhat corny. I try to avoid the standard, “You’re so big!”, ‘cause let’s face it, it’s one of the oldest lines in the book and I have a hard time believing that anyone is going to believe it. It’s one that I’ve resorted to only in the most extreme of situations, as it were.

And what situations they were…

*cough*

Sorry, moving on…

That’s not to say that there’s nothing you can say to your boytoy, though. “You’re making me so wet,” is of course, a good one, as is “You feel so good/hard/big/strong,” if that’s what you think he might like to hear. Many of the ones that guys can say work just as well in reverse: “I want to fuck you so bad,” “I want you inside of me,” “You smell fantastic,” “I want to ride you like the wild lovemonkey I am,” that sort of thing.

And then there’s just the simple things: “I really like that,” “that feels good,” “don’t stop,” “OhGoddon’tstopfortheloveofChristkeepdoingjustthatohmyGodI’mgoingtocome;” whatever happens to come to mind. As much as you’re in your mind in that sort of situation, really.

It’s a matter of overcoming shyness and managing to convey what’s going on in your head through your mouth, in a manner that your partner can understand and appreciate. Start small; use the descriptions and requests, then move onto the bigger things, like playacting and roleplaying, if you’re interested.

Sometimes all it takes is the addition of your partner’s name in front of whatever it is you’re saying. Just make sure you say the right name – otherwise, regardless of how dirty your talk is, chances are he or she aren’t going to want to hear it anymore. If you’re worried you won’t remember his or her name in the heat of the moment, use the standards: “Oh God,” and “oh fuck.”

Which reminds me of an old joke to end on:
Q: What are the four kinds of orgasms?

A:
The positive: “Oh yes! Oh yes!”
The negative: “Oh no! Oh no!”
The religious: “Oh God! Oh God!”
And the fake: “Oh (insert name here)! Oh (insert name here)!”

It works best if you have a friend you’re trying to burn.

Anyhow, that’s the first edition of Ask the DrunkenWhore.
posted by Jen on 4:15 PM

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My, Grandma, what big teeth you have…

As we grow and develop and learn about ourselves – in the bedroom, or Biblical sense, I mean – most of us tend to develop our own signature moves or mad skillz. For some, that’s a particular affinity for oral sex, or for others the ability to sustain a make-out session for ages without boring either partner.

Now, while I regularly lay claim to many diverse mad skillz – all true, of course – I, too, have a few moves I consider signature. I can’t, of course, detail them all here; for one, most of you would think I was bragging (silly, unknowing fools); for two, I simply don’t have the time; for three, I like to maintain an air of mystery and enigma.. erm, enigmatism; and for four, I want to focus on one for this particular article.

For those of you who’ve been a tad slower on the uptake, I’ll spell it out for you: I like to use my teeth. I wasn’t aware of it until one partner a few years ago pointed it out to me; I tend to nip and nibble, scrape my teeth in sensitive areas and snap them together when I want to express frustration – like when I’m being teased.

Mind you, that’s not to say that using teeth is my “thing,” it’s just something that’s part of my repertoire at this point.

Anyhow, for those men in the reading audience that are currently cringing and crossing their legs together, I’d like to say: yes, it’s entirely possible to use teeth effectively. I’ve made converts of a few people who’ve seen evidence of it, and someone recently backed me up saying that it’s all about control, which is exactly the case.

There are a few rules to using teeth properly. They’re minor things, but they certainly help.

For one, don’t use teeth on dry skin unless that’s the effect you’re going for. If you want to use teeth on your gentleman’s parts, make sure they’re nicely lubed, first. This will go a long way towards producing a feeling that’s very slightly risky – after all, you are using teeth on his best friend – without being painful. It allows your teeth to slide without scraping heavily, and that’s the key thing. If you sense that your teeth are starting to drag or you seem not to be able to move your mouth as smoothly, add some lube, be it saliva or the artificial kind. Trust me; this is not something you want to neglect.

Secondly, even more important, is control. Anytime you’re using teeth on someone’s member, you want to make sure that you can hold your mouth open as wide as it requires. If you’re using teeth while giving head, you don’t want to have your mouth as closed as it would be if you were just sucking away. Hold onto him with your hand to keep his member in place; this will go a long way towards helping, as well.

And finally, this isn’t a move that you want to repeat over and over again. Like many moves during sex, it can be annoying and boring if you don’t mix it up. After all, part of the thrill of using teeth on someone is that it’s a little dangerous and a little exciting as a result – the thrill tends to wear off if you keep it up.

If you’re leery about starting out with this new move on your man, practice on something that will show you if you’re using too much pressure, like a Popsicle or a banana. Be careful not to be shoving anything further down your throat that you can handle, and I’d actually recommend only practicing on the first two to three inches. Teeth are most effective on the head of the dick, and it’s a bit easier for some to maintain control over a smaller region like the head.

Of course, if on the other hand, your problem is that you employ teeth too much during head, there is also another easy solution to this. Whenever you’re giving head, open your jaw a little bit wider, but keep your lips the same distance apart. You can practice it initially by placing your lips over your teeth; you can even do this during head, but it might get somewhat painful after awhile, especially if you’re digging your teeth into your lips or your guy lasts a long time.

Again, control is important. If you have a hard time with your guy thrusting his hips up at your face or something when you’re giving, have him sit up on a couch or chair instead of lying down on a bed. This puts you more in a position of control and restricts his movements a bit more, and it means less strain on your jaw for long sessions of head-giving.

Anyhow, I can’t give away all of my secrets, so I’ll leave you with those thoughts for now. For those of you men who continue to wince and whine, well… find someone you trust to try out some new moves, and perhaps you, too, will be made a convert.
posted by Jen on 7:56 AM

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Toucha, Toucha, Touch me

Sometimes the most soothing thing in the world is to have someone play with your hair or stroke your skin.

This can be soothing, comforting, relaxing or even arousing. There's a reason that backrubs are great seduction tools -- your target is relaxed, guards are down, they're feeling pliant and perhaps may even feel they owe you after all that niceness...

Erm... never mind that last part. Don't know what I was thinking, there.

But it is true that touch is often the first step down the line towards seduction. It's not a sure thing, but if someone appears relaxed around you or when you touch them -- innocently, at least in location -- then chances are they feel comfortable with you.

Now, being comfortable with someone doesn't translate to wanting to bone you like crazy. But someone who's tense and could be used as a bridge when you touch them is either restraining themselves from jumping your bones and ravishing you, or... it's a sign they want your hands off.

Personally, I like to be touched, but not by everyone -- only those with whom I'm comfortable... or interested in boning. I have a sensitive neck, and I love to have my back or shoulders massaged, or my arms stroked. Same with my legs, at least if I've shaved them that day. It's a great feeling, having someone else's hands on you, and it doesn't even have to be a lover or a significant other -- friends with whom you feel comfortable enough to touch, stroke, massage or cuddle are a great comfort and/or fallback option.

I like someone with warm, dry, clean hands, who doesn't repeatedly stroke the same spot over and over again. When that happens, I wind up feeling chafed and my skin feels irritable, particularly just beneath the skin, and it's very not comforting.

I like to feel the different textures of someone else's body, too. The feel of hair or soft skin, muscle or bone or fat can be really fun to experience and explore -- or even a big turn off, which is good for learning in and of itself. If I get turned off by touching my potential sweetie, it saves me the potential boning later... although it's not the easiest thing to explain.

But it's nice to know that I could be bringing comfort or arousal to someone just by my two little hands without putting 'em down someone else's pants -- a very powerful and humbling feeling.

I think I need a massage and a hug; I feel like being pampered (especially after being on my feet for long stretches, several days in a row) -- and after all, that can be a big part of what touch is all about: pampering me.
posted by Jen on 1:38 AM

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