Self-love, in a pas de deux

One of the sexier things to see in the bedroom is one's partner having a good time. Check that: a good time.

I know I'm not alone in saying that seeing one's partner giving him- or herself that good time can be incredibly hot. Maybe I really am cock-obsessed, but there's just something sexy and beautiful about seeing a guy stroke himself. The part that always confused me is that, if he starts doing that in the middle of the act of sex, am I left out of the picture, or should I cheer him on?

Anyhow, everyone reacts differently to being touched -- some like a firm stroke, others like light movements; some people prefer pressure, and others love friction. Discovering what each new partner enjoys best and capitalizing on it is really a fantastic part of sex. Capitalizing on it, ignoring it to tease -- it's all the same, right?

Much can be learned from watching one's partner please him- or herself. Magazines state over and over again that women fear being too rough with their guys' penises, and it can be true; watch any guy beat off or even just fiddle with his stuff and you'll see just how rough some of 'em like i.

The same is true for watching women fiddle with themselves. Watch her hands; see if she tends to use circular movements more or if she just presses down hard on her clit and comes that way. Does she like to be fingered at the same time? (Yum). Don't be afraid to ask if you're not sure.

People should never be afraid to help out, if it's not against the wishes of your partner. Some people prefer to concentrate on the task at hand (so to speak); others find the assistance really helps.

What constitutes assistance? Anything from dirty talk, tender stroking or kissign to fingering, fondling, ball handling or whatever. Some women love to be fingered while they play with their clits; some guys love to have their balls played with while they stroke themselves. Some people enjoy a finger in their ass, others love to have their nipples played with. Experiment, see what you can do to enhance the experience -- or speed it up, if you're getting bored or tired.

Some people want to hear how sexy they are and how much you love them; others want to hear how dirty they are and how hot listening to them moan makes you. Find out what your partner likes and run with it.

Masturbatino can be, and often is, a private thing. It's one of the most selfish, harmless and rewarding acts any person can do, and it can be horrendously difficult for some people to feel comfortable enough to touch themselves in front of another. There can be shame, awkwardness, or embarrassment associated with the act, and those aren't easy emotions to overcome.

The things to bear in mind are simple, but difficult: for one, your partner (theoretically, unless you're dating a few of my exes) cares for you and wants to see you enjoy yourself, too; two, it's a sexy act and shows a great deal of trust in your partner; and three, it's an orgasm -- does it really matter where it comes from? Especially if it can be enhanced by the presence and assistance of your partner. Yum... orgasms.
posted by Jen on 3:07 PM

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You say your… hormones… made you do it?

Some people might say that once you’ve had say, someone’s tongue in your mouth, than you know them fairly well. I say I just made these people up for the sake of an interesting opening sentence.

Other people might say that once you’ve had someone’s dick in your mouth or other orifice of your choice, that you then know them fairly well. Once again, I say that I just invented these people for the sake of an interesting second paragraph, or continuation of the first theme.

What a lot of people will say, and these people are usually of the teacher/educator/nurse/doctor/parent variety, is that before you wind up gettin’ all nakers with someone, you should know them. I say, life doesn’t always work out that way.

As a species, we’re all imbued with these vast amounts of hormones that make us do stupid things, like get or give head on the roof of a mall in the middle of the day. Or have sex on the couch in the basement when parents are roaming upstairs. Or fuck like monkeys minutes before friends are due to arrive. Or have sex in a park swing… but I digress. Lucky for me that I have friends who get overcome by their hormones and don’t mind me talking about it, eh?

Hormones make us do strange and … well, strange things. They make us pick up strangers in bars and cry at movies. They make us crave chocolate and have sex at movies. Some people listen to their hormones more than others; for some people, announcing “I’m horny” translates to “I could really go for an orgasm right now.” For others, announcing “I’m horny” translates to “I’m going to go get fucked right now, come hell or high water.”

Many people feel that the best sex is to be had within the confines of a loving, supportive relationship with someone who cares for you and your pleasure and wants to ensure that you feel adored and treasured afterwards. Many other people feel that the best sex gives you no concept of how your clothes got from your body and on the ceiling fan like that and leaves you feeling wrung out, sweaty and quite grateful to that guy or girl you met in the bar, you think his or her name might be Chris or Steve or Jill… but you’re sure it had an ‘r’ in it, somewhere.

Every person is different.

Some people need to know that they are loved. Others need to know that they are needed. Some are content with being wanted, at least for now. These aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive needs; they can coexist, but for some people, they needn’t.

I’ve always felt that, while I adore sex had within the confines of a loving, supportive relationship with someone who loves me and is interested in ensuring that I am fucked well and thoroughly, knowing that I am cared for… sometimes it’s necessary to take the sweaty ceiling fan sex with someone that happens to like me for who I am and what I can do with my mad skillz.

Okay, not quite true. I’ve had sex with people that didn’t care for me as me, and it left me feeling somewhat disappointed. I feel that when I get to know someone, I can have a better time with them in the bedroom; I can trust them and tell them what I want or need, whereas with someone I don’t know that well, it doesn’t work so well.

So, how can people have sex with someone they don’t know too well, but apparently know well enough to get nakers with? It ties back to hormones. Hormones make us do stupid, sweaty, naked things... although alcohol certainly helps.

Some people like to do things just to say they’ve done them (see swing example above). I know of people who’ve had one night stands partly to be able to say they’ve had them. Other people honestly just feel horny, find someone suitable, and have sex, and leave feeling satisfied; they got what they wanted out of the whole event, and what more could someone want or need?

Sometimes you get caught up in a moment and although at the beginning of the evening you wouldn’t have thought you’d be having sex, here you are and you’re hot and turned on and so is the person you’re with, so why not go for it? Or, regrettably, sometimes you may feel you owe someone for getting them hot and bothered, and while you’re not against the idea of having sex right now, you wouldn’t have chosen to do so but you can’t figure out quite the best way to back out of it… it’s unfortunate, but it does happen.

I had a point when I started this article, and then it just got away from me.

Overall… not just men are ruled by their hormones. I’ve heard it time and time again: “my penis made me do it”; “I was horny, it was stupid”; “The blood wasn’t flowing in that head at the time” and so on and so forth. Well, I’m going to spoil a secret and share: women’s parts make their desires insistently known, too. If you don’t believe me, I’ll start posting pictures and relationship details of one or two of my ex-boyfriends on here, and you can judge for yourselves.
posted by Jen on 4:27 AM

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1... 2... 3... 4... skin

I'll admit, most of my penile experiences have been with dicks that didn't have their own external packaging.

This has meant that on the occasions that I do encounter a gentleman whose toy needs unwrapping, I fall to pieces.

Okay, maybe not. But because it's not as common in my (turtle)neck of the woods, it can throw a monkey wrench into my confidence.

I find that with head or sex, foreskins pose no problems. In fact, depending on how much foreskin there is and how loose it happens to be, it can be quite fun to suck and tug at with tongue and lips. If you're feeling especially brave or controlled, teeth can -- very carefully -- also get involved, in the nibbling sense.

On the other hand, when it comes to manual play, which I generally enjoy, I start to feel awkward. I have the moves down for an unfettered phallus -- the grip, the stroke, the speed and so forth -- but foreskinned ones are another matter.

Does he like to have the skin moved back and forth across the glans and corona, or a bare hand? Does the feel of a bare hand on slightly moist skin feel chafey, after awhile? Would it hurt if it was pulled too hard?

I realize all of these are questions best left to the individual, or owner of the prepackaged parts. But sometimes -- like maybe the first time you encounter it -- it can be awkward or uncomfortable to ask these question, so you just do what you can and hope for the best.

All of that said and done, I don't mind foreskin. I find it changes the appearance of the penis; because the head is hidden and it's usually moist when it emerges, it almost looks to me to be more ... raw. Not sore raw, but untamed. Animalistic. Dirty, in a good way.

What can help to overcome discomfort -- if you're comfortable enough with your partner -- is to poke and prod outside of the sexual confines. Explore his member, play with his foreskin, and ask what he likes. Make exploration and education the focus, as opposed to orgasm. This helps alleviate the pressure on both of you, and can lead to some entertaining moments.

Be stupid and have fun with it, and encourage him to get involved. Play around with different grips in an atempt to best accomodate his preferences and your physical abilities -- minor things like the way your wrist doesn't bend backwards at a 125-degree angle.

It can be encouraging to see a formerly playful session turn to something hot and moany. Seeing him grow hard and incoherent from your fiddling can be a real boost to your self-confidence, to say nothing of your mad skillz.
posted by Jen on 4:11 PM

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