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10/13/2003
 

"So... umm... er... uh... yeah? Okay?"



Every week I write this column, I highlight something or another that I say is really hot or really sexy. I'm guilty of saying that many different things are "the sexiest" or "the hottest."

Well, this week is no different -- I'm going to do the same thing. However, I will state for ever and for always that the sexiest thing, hands down, bar none, no arguments, is confidence.

Sure, plenty of things turn me on, but guaranteed to get me wet is someone I'm attracted to putting the moves on me with confidence. I've said before, the sexiest kiss I've had involved someone sliding his hand into my front jeans pocket, tugging me towards him, then kissing me. Fucking hot.

Sure, insecurity, uncertainty and all that other stuff enters into everyone's minds. But if the guy or girl you're eyeing appears to welcome or want your advances, it's pretty safe to assume they won't punch you in the stomach if you kiss them. I make no guarantees about further moves, though -- although my experience shows that few guys will reject further advances, particularly blowjobs. Although maybe that's just due to my mad skillz.

I'm sure you've all heard the old saw about the biggest sex organ in the body being the brain. It's very true. How many of us have had a boyfriend or girlfriend try moves that we just weren't feeling ilke welcoming? In situations like that, if you don't want to, you just won't get into the situation, even if the moves feel good. Hell, even if you have the sex and such, and maybe enjoy it physically, you might not feel it was all that great if your head wasn't into it.

But, as always, I digress. Confidence, people! Find something sexually that you do well -- be it kiss, give head, get wet fast, come easily, last a long time, hold an erection after an orgasm, fuck like a piston, roll your hips, clench your PC muscle, scream, leave claw marks, give directions, follow directions, welcome new ideas, whatever, and draw it to you. Tell yourself, "I do (fill in the blank) well," and draw your confidence from that.

Gradually, that self-assurance will spread as you realize that that paritcular mad skill translates to other moves -- your great kissing skillz lend themselves to kissing necks, or your willingness to listen to directions and try new things means your odds of picking up some new ideas or techniques are pretty good.

Now, the flip side to confidence is that it can often be intimidating to people. Guys are often frightened or intimidated or uncertain around a confident woman. The one guy I just polled explained, in a nutshell, that it's slightly emasculating -- guys like to feel in control, responsible, and suchforth, and encountering a confident woman -- and by this I mean sexually confident -- can be somewhat rattling to their own confidence. They start sometimes questioning their own prowess; silly men.

Personal confidence is related, but different. Having self-confidence and being self-assured or independent is a very positive thing. I like dating people with self-confidence, and a sense of independence. I find it ties in well to trust, respect and all that other good relationship stuff.

I also like dating people with sexual confidence. Having someone say they're good at (insert act here), with the confidence to make me believe it? Fantastic. Well, so long as I'm interested to begin with, but that's another tangent.

Of course, the final note? It's a fine line between confidence and arrogance. Be confident that your advances might be welcome, but be a little careful, too. Read the other person, and if in doubt, ask. You can ask outright, or you can introduce it in a flirtatious manner and see how the other person responds -- if they don't respond positively, then you can at least brush it off as just joking, as long as you weren't being overly obnoxious:

"Tickle your ass with a feather?"
[outraged] "Excuse me?"
"Particularly nasty weather!"

Now, I don't mind someone who's a little awkward or uncomfortable -- I get stupidly uncomfortable and full of jokes when I'm feeling weird. But there's really something to be said for someone that pushes you up against a wall and just plants one on you -- so long as they keep it going long enough for me to kiss back. Otherwise, it's just a hot tease... but as always (especially as this article's already quite long enough), that's another column.

As for me, I'm off to intimidate me some boys and men.

posted by Jen on 11:50 PM

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Apparently a how-to guide for sex with me. In reality, me just talking about my thoughts and experiences in love, sex and relationships.

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