Someone smells fantastic!

I have been uninterested in dating people before because they didn’t smell right to me; I’ll stop for a minute after that so that you can stop laughing.

It sounds funny whenever I say it, but when I start to explain it, people understand a bit better.

We’re all to some extent or another ruled by our pheromones; this explains why you may have friends that are fantastic, sexy, funny, interesting, intelligent, hot – whatever it is that you look for in a boyfriend or girlfriend – but you have no interest in sleeping with them whatsoever.

In some cases, I say vaguely that I’m just not attracted to that person or I don’t see them as anything more than a friend, and in other cases, I can definitely state that they just don’t smell right.

Now, it’s rare that I’m lusting for someone straight of the bat, based on smell alone. Everyone’s smell is different, even if they all use the same soap, because our bodies react differently to the chemicals in things like perfumes, deodorants, and other scented products; each person ‘customizes’ a product to their body.

So naturally it can take a bit of time sometimes to really grow attracted to someone else’s smell. If nothing else, it can take a bit of time to come to associate certain actions, thoughts, or memories to that particular smell.

It’s been said that scent memory is our strongest memory; while a picture or a sound might not immediately recall an event, smell can. So once certain events get tied to any given smell – say, the smell of your lover’s sweaty body above you when he or she is grinding or thrusting away – it’s natural that you can start getting turned on when you smell them, or feel happy or comfortable or whatnot.

And boy, can one get turned on sometimes… I know I’ve jumped at least one boyfriend straight out of the shower ‘cause he smelled so damn good. And that’s just soap/fresh skin smell.

In a sense, I suppose I mildly fetishize smells (on one particular occasion I sat in a movie theatre trying to figure out who it was wearing my ex-boyfriend's cologne, 'cause I was joking I'd jump him based on that alone). I know that there are times during sex that I’ll simply spend time sniffing someone’s chest or neck if they happen to smell good. And that’s not to say that those are the only parts of a person’s body that can smell good; it’s just that certain other areas can be more affected by sweat than those two examples.

As an example… everyone is familiar with ball sweat, right? Not entirely pleasant. In fact, it can be downright off-putting, even if the rest of the groinal region is fine. The same goes for women, and here I’m about to go off on a little rant.

A clean, healthy woman smells a little musky, and that’s about it. The same goes for a clean, healthy man. If your woman or yourself smells bad, it’s time for a shower. Let’s be honest here, people; no one smells good at the end of a long day. Even if your job involves just sitting at a desk, having skin against skin like that can cause sweat and some odour, and that’s just fine… so long as you realize that your lover might find your natural sweatiness a little bit much when it comes time for him or her to stick nose and mouth in such close proximity and so therefore isn’t completely chomping at the bit (sorry, couldn’t resist) to go down on you.

When in doubt, shower. If you feel grody and unclean, then why would you expect your sweetheart to stick their mouth in the region you’re most likely to be grody?

That all said and done, if you or your sweetie still smells bad after a shower, then maybe you should get theeself to a doctor and get checked out; low-level infections or a preponderance of bacteria can cause smelliness and should be investigated.

Finally, be nice when it comes time to saying that someone stinks, be it in the armpits or the crotch. Think of how you’d feel if you started getting amorous with your sweetie and they told you that you were too smelly to love at the moment. Talk about how sexy and fun a shared shower or bath could be, or tell them you have a fantasy about bathing them.

If awful cologne or perfume is the issue, then find a scent you do like and talk about how sexy it would be on them, or how turned on you get when you smell a particular one. Just remember that scents react with everyone’s body chemistries, so what smells good on one person will smell fantastic on another.

If they happen to smell really nice on a given day, make a big deal about it, so long as you’re being honest; don’t fake it (more advice for another column). Hell, go so far as to jump them if that’s what it takes to get your point across.

So let’s all do one another a big favour and cut out the comments about women smelling like fish, okay? If y’all wonder why we’re shy about dropping trou for a bit of oral loving, think about how many negative comments we hear. Then think about how lovely your sweaty man balls must smell and shut up. In the meantime, I have some body sniffing to do.
posted by Jen on 12:56 AM

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I touch myself

Like many of you out there, I like to touch myself. Orgasms are great.

But somtimes it's fun to just poke and prod at what I have, without it being sexually motivated or oriented.

I also know for a fact that I'm not the only one who does this; it's just generally considered more acceptable for guys to do -- after all, men are expected to, or at least seen to, scratch, adjust, cup, grip, stroke, and show off their parts. Who among us hasn't seen a guy who rub his nipples or adjust his balls or penis? Nevermind been a guy who's done the same.

However, how often does a woman get to juggle or jiggle her breasts, pinch her nipples or scratch herself without someone looking at her askance? Guys without class may grip their dicks and juggle 'em to express interest in or disdain for a passing woman, but it's pretty rare that women will squeeze their boobs together or rub their crotches to return the sentiment (unless I haven't properly figured out the mating behaviours of the common human, but...).

But I digress. A lot. My body is my temple and it's mine to poke, prod, pierce, tattoo or display as I please, and I greatly enjoy taking advantage of this fact. Admittedly, I won't do as such in public, but I do enjoy doing so in situations that others might not necessarily suspect.

To whit, I will tug at my bits or play with my nipples while on the computer, on the phone, watching television, lying in bed... more or less whenever I feel the boredom and desire -- which are different from urges, since it's not exactly sexual in nature.

It livens up a phone interview for a job when you know the other person has no clue you're sitting in your pyjamas, tugging your labia. It makes me wonder if guys get the same surreptitious pleasure out of manipulating their scrotal sacs or mushing about their penises when checking their email.

Admittedly, bits aren't always available for our amusements. However, even through various layers of clothing, nipples are always accessible and tons of fun. It's a game to stroke them gently and try to keep them from retracting into points. (Maybe I'm the only one who plays it, but it's a game nonetheless).

If one loses, then there's a pointed nipple or two begging for attention. It's not time to stroke, punch, pull, roll or squeeze the little buggers, and all in a non-sexual sense. Granted, this could and sometimes does get sexual, but for the most part it's merely touching that which is there.

There are other erogenous zones to explore, and many of them can be done in a completely innocent manner in public -- no one seems to object to seeing someone stroke their arms or nexk, and it certainly feels nice. But when you're on the phone with a casual friend or a potential future employer, would you rather be stroking your neck, or tugging your privates?
posted by Jen on 12:56 PM

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You did what where?

In my younger, more adventurous days, I explored many a venue in the public realm. Okay, in simple language; I had a lot of sex in creative places. I must've known I was going to be writing a column like this one.

Anyhow, it gave me a bit of insight into the risky and/or outdoor sex world, as well as a bit of experience upon which to draw. And share, of course. After all, what's the point of doing something cool if you can't brag about it?

Not that I would ever dream of bragging, of course. I just like to pass on my wisdom and experiences to you, my dear readers, so that you may perhaps learn from them, and use them as you please. Or something like that.

That all said and done, there's a big amount of appeal to outdoor sex in that it's a great way of getting caught. At least, that's the appeal for some people; the one time that I had someone peek into the car I was half-naked in, I was more frightened/brought out of my horny than I was aroused.

However, it's pretty fun to tag one's city. Some places require a bit more creativity than others, especially if one of you is significantly taller than the other... and when one partner is 5'2", as I am, more often than not the other partner is significantly taller.

In situations like that, outdoor sex can provide you with certain advantages that beds and bedrooms might not. Some parks have rock formations, hills, knolls or bleachers that can be used to accomodate longer legs or different angles. As comfortable as beds are, and I highly recommend them for everyday sex, sometimes having a rock or some dirt embedded in your knee is worth it.

There's also something rather earthy about being naked or semi-naked outdoors. Getting to sit and feel the breeze on body parts that it doesn't often touch can be a great feeling, as is lying naked in a field of grass. Getting to break societal taboos is yet another appeal, I have to say; we're brought up from children to not expose our naughty bits in public, so having them out on display in the great outdoors can bring a certain rush to those same bits.

Some people, braver than I, bring outdoor sex into contests. They arrange contests with their friends to see who can have the riskiest sex, or in the oddest location. It sounds like fun, but it also sounds like a lot of stress; having to plan where and when to do it to win the prize... it's a bit more fun to just be spontaneous and nakers when the urge strikes, I find.

And finally, for some people the risk of being caught or being overheard or seen is the biggest turn-on to the outdoor sex. A quickie with the bedroom door wide open while a party goes on downstairs, or head with friends around the corner, or even a handjob out in the middle of a public pathway can all be extra-hot because both partners know that any minute they could be discovered.

Frankly, I think it'd be hotter getting to finish, but hey -- what do I know?
posted by Jen on 12:20 AM

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