Once More, With Feeling

In my life, I've had a few serious relationships. Many have been bad; some have been varying degrees of good.

Now, as anyone who has known me -- or, especially, dated me -- can tell you, I have problems. One of those problems is that, though it can be a battle for me to truly love someone, once I care about them, it's often hard for me to let that go. Combine this with the fact that I'm still in touch, to some degree or another, with many of the better exes, and, well, you fill in the blanks.

Each boy I still care for represents different things to me, which also comes einto play on why I might still be long for this one or that one. Respect, long-term possibilities, great sex, common interests, comfortability, great conversation, new interests... sometimes these characteristics are found in combinations in one boy, but if I had to boil each relationship down to one or two key word(s), then there's the list.

Sometimes the longing for one trait or one person getes really strong, and I find myself missing that boy. I remember how things were between us, focusing of course, on the good times -- unless I want to dissuade myself from pining, in which case I focus on the bad. But sometimes I start wondering if we can even try again, and make it work this time.

We all know couples who've broken up and gotten back together. Hell, many of us have been that couple. Personally, when a couple I've known to have major problems does this, I start The Clock. On average, the couple has between about one to six months before they break up again, this time for good. In one of my two worst relationships, we spent around a year and a half breaking up every two to four months. So much entertainment for the masses.

However, sometimes, when enough time passes between the two "relationships," then sometimes it can work out for the couple in question. My First Love and I dated for a little over a year, broke up, then three years later, dated again for another two years, long distance, even.

With enough time apart, people grow, change, mature, develop -- ideally, that is. I could point to some people I know to whom time has not helped them. Hell, there are some boys I've dated that wouldn't mature if you paid 'em, but that's just a part of why I'm not still with them.

Sometimes, second chances are worth it, and people can make it work. Both of you have to wait it to work, of course, or at least be willing to give it a good effort, but it can happen.

One of the hardest things to do is ask someone if they want to try again. I'm not sure if it's harder if you were the dumper or the dumpee; either way, you're putting an awful lot of trust and pride on the line. The times I've done it, I've shielded myself; either written a letter, or held the conversation on the computer... not to mention rehearsed it so many times beforehand, or psyched myself up majorly in order to be able to get up the courage. What can I say? I only have so much courage -- and pride.

If i can impart any wisdom in this even, it's that it's not a good idea to get back with someone solely out of loneliness, especially if you first dumped them. Those break-ups/repeats are the ones that usually earn The Clock. It's the ones where the couple, previously fairly solid, broke up due to some sort of external forces or temporary insanity that manage to make Attempt Le Deux work.
posted by Jen on 12:09 PM

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