Thank you, g’bye now!
Last night I had the increasingly-rare opportunity to spend time one-on-one with one of my close friends.
The conversation jumped around from subject to subject (as happens when I’m involved), then eventually turned to sex (as some people claim happens when I’m involved). He’s gettin’ some regular lovin’; I’m not.
But as is my way, I’m okay with that for now, because my hormones are currently in hibernation again – at least until this or that person crosses my path (but that’s a vaguely emo whine that’s neither here nor there).
However, just because I’m not actively seeking sex or humping the leg of every and any available attractive man who crosses my path, doesn’t mean I’m not going completely without. Exes can be a valuable resource to tap for – well, tapping that.
Many friends roll their eyes in frustration when I let them in on secrets of my (sort of) private life, so lately I haven’t always been yelling from the rooftops any time I’mma get me some. The friends who would be privy to the knowledge are the same ones who’ve nursed me through varying degrees of heartbreak, so they’re certainly justified in their concern – or frustration – about me visiting a well-worn path.
In one case, the concern is more for the other person, and I share that, as well as a desire to do no more damage than I already have, so even if my hormones are standing up and begging for attention, I ignore ‘em. Mostly.
But in other instances, when the opportunity is there and there is no desire on my part to start anything anew, and strings are notably absent, I feel that my friends’ concerns are unwarranted. What we’re talking about is strings-free, emotionally-absent, no-frills sex, and it has its place.
Again, I may seem as though I’m coming off awfully hypocritical, claiming to want strings-included (heh, and rope-, blindfold-, and even in some cases, whips- and paddles-included) sex, while having very infrequent no-strings sex.
I can justify this to myself – let’s see if you agree. I’m not interested in no-strings sex with someone who’s a relative stranger to me. There is no draw to me in a situation such as that. In these circumstances, however, there used to be a relationship, and there used to be feelings, and there’s always been good sex, so the drive for me to please and be pleased exists. Admittedly, it’s greatly tempered by the rest of the circumstances (and those damn hibernating hormones), but it’s there.
The curious part (to me), however, is just how removed I feel from the situation. In part because of my new, grown-up schedule and need for an earlier bedtime, and my knowledge that this is what it is, and a romantic situation is what it is not – I don’t feel the same need for all the solicitous attention or whatnot that is an accepted, and in my opinion, required, part of relationships and sex.
By that I mean, there’s no hand-holding, no flirting, no sleepovers, no cuddling unless it’s a lead-up to sex, and the post-sex cuddling is equally limited. In fact, post-coitally, some nights I’m ready to clean up and go to bed almost immediately after – it’s not that I want him to leave
, exactly… but his part is done, we’re both satisfied – why are you still here?
Actually, that line of conversation led to me saying one of the funnier and more insensitive things I’ve said recently, which sent both of us off laughing once more. On the subject of leaving afterwards, and how I’m ready for sleeping, alone: “…but he just won’t get the hint, he keeps trying to cuddle
Maybe you had to be there. I’m not trying to be insensitive to anyone in these circumstances – I’m not about to slap him on the ass and send him on his way when it’s over, just as I’d be angry if he did that to me – but I guess I just have no interest in pretending that this is more than it is. I like to keep the sweet-and-tender moments for the guys I have sweet-and-tender feelings for; not the ones from whom I just want a (not too) quick toss.
I’d certainly give up the toss in favour of the sweet-and-tender in a minute, if I could find the guy who fits my criteria (and likes me equally in return). But in the meantime, why spare myself (and him) the occasional moment or two of unattached pleasure?
posted by Jen on 3:44 PM
Things I obsess about, vol. 12167
Once you reach a certain age, I sex that big of a deal anymore?
Does the thrill of a new partner die off past that magic age?
Does it matter how many times that land has been claimed before you claim it?
Are these concerns, these questions – are they all a gender thing?
Or, more realistically, is this just my overanalytical nature once again coming to the fore?
I was thinking the other day about the demeanour of my last conquest, as it concerned bedroom expectations, and even then it struck me as somewhat... apathetic, almost. Maybe that’s unfair – apathetic isn’t entirely accurate, but maybe unconcerned would be apt.
Call me overly cautious or a romantic or whatever adjective you’d like, but for me sex is still better when I know someone and feel something for them. It doesn’t have to be love, but I like for it to be more than just boredom, or for lack of anything better to do for the next twenty or thirty minutes.
That may sound hypocritical given my use of the term conquest earlier, but for those of you who haven’t figured it out by now, the Drunken Whore is about 50% persona, 50% me. I can’t – or won’t – use names or specifics in my writings, so what you read here could all pertain to only one or two guys... it’s just written in such a way as to sound like more. Ah, language – how you is my abused and manipulated bitch. Moving on.
I’ve tried sex for sex’s sake, and I’ve learned it isn’t for me. That was a big part of my Lavalife turn-offs; too many guys there state that what they want is to sleep with a woman for awhile, then decide if there’s enough there for a relationship. My aunt said this same sentiment is expressed by guys her age – good to know this won’t change.
Now, call me selfish, but if I’m not that into someone, I don’t particularly care whether or not they’re having a good time, unless I’m trying to prove something to myself (or maybe them). Otherwise, if I care that someone leaves my bedroom happy, they do. I’m like Hallmark – I care enough to send (do?) my very best.
But, if I were to have a one-night stand with some random guy (definitely not speaking from personal experience, if you were wondering), I’m not too worried about whether he leaves amazed at the teasing and depth of my foreplay abilities – I’m more concerned if we got our rocks off, and if not, if the experience was otherwise worth it and/or repeating.
But, that’s me – I do know of people who play the bed-hopping game and have a good time. Power to ‘em, I guess.
But there seems to be a trend that, for lack of any other indicators, I’ll tie to age, of sex becoming less and less “special” (I know, I know, sorry), the older and/or more experienced we get.
Maybe I’m choosing the wrong partners, but it seems as though sex has become no big deal, just a way to kill off an afternoon or an evening, and as a result, there’s an expectation of sorts on the part of the guy that being naked equals having sex. And that this will happen fairly early on in the “relationship.”
No, I’m not a cocktease. As I said, anyone in my bed that I want to leave satisfied, generally does. But I don’t feel that the first time I’m naked with a boy, I have to have penetrative sex with him. There’s lots of fun things to do with boy parts and girl parts that doesn’t have to involve putting them together.
It’s good to be able to recognize that you may not feel ready to sleep with someone yet, and be able to stand your ground and say so. As much as I try to live my romantic life with few regrets, I do sometimes wish I’d waited longer in some cases, or hadn’t let them “persuade” (I don’t want to say “push,” yet I sort of do) me into sleeping with them when I did. If the relationship is worth it, waiting for the sex isn’t – and shouldn’t – be a problem. If what you’re after is a fling or a one-night stand, that’s obviously a different story.
Maybe I’m just a romantic, but I still want to feel some kind of excitement at the prospect of bouncing someone around a bed for the first, second, third or third-dozenth time. As a huge advocate of teasing and extended foreplay, I say with all sincerity, there’s something (many things!) to be said – many positive – about anticipation. Not to mention, a few sessions of bed-bouncing can give me a good idea of what to expect and a chance to decide if I do, in fact, want to go that final step.
I’m sure some of you are questioning my various reasons for being reticent about Going All The Way – after all, I’m old, wise, mature, etc., etc., what’s the big deal? – and in some cases the reluctance is situational, but overall, I am always aware and self-conscious of My Number.
It’s not huge, but when you’re surrounded by people who’ve been with only one or two people, because they met and married their high school sweetheart or some such, there are times I efel as though I’m being regarded as the village bicycle.
Also, as I wrote in an epic post on my other site, because I can talk, write, and joke about sex (also mime, if I’m feeling especially goofy), it seems to be presumed by some that I’m having sex all the time. Hell, even my own mother seems to assume that if I spend any length of time with a guy that I’m dating and/or sleeping with him.
Of course, I could just be overly sensitive, but that’s a whole ‘nother story or twelve.
Anyhow, when it comes to our pasts and our numbers, many people tend to engage in some editing. American Pie 2 brought forth the “Rule of 3,” and I’m sure there are people who use it, or something similar. Personally, I’ve always been totally honest about my numbers, to myself and others, but that hasn’t stopped me from wishing I could do a little creative editing.
So, I started wondering what rules I would put in place to bring my number down a little without seeming like I was trying to lie. So far, I’ve come up with a few (all optional, depending on who you want to remove from your past and what it takes, within reason, to eliminate them):
1. Cross off anyone you slept with on two or fewer occasions, and/or for 2 or fewer occurrences.
2. Cross off anyone that the majority of your friends don’t know bout, unless it was for longer than a few weeks.
3. Cross off anyone where all aspects of the sex were consistently really bad (hopefully ties in #1, but some people are eternal optimists).
That’s as far as I’ve gotten, really, and that helps to eliminate a few names I don’t mind seeing gone.
Anyone have others? I think my only real restriction is that you can’t eliminate anyone you had a full relationship with, or that you slept with over an extended period of time – as much as I’d like to remove two guys from my past roster, it’s tough to make an 8-month or 3-year relationship just disappear.
So, everyone join in the fun – what rules would you put in place to decrease your number? It’s the game the whole family can play!
posted by Jen on 2:00 PM
The (Not-So)Secret Lusts of The Drunken Whore
So, anyone who wants to help send me here
, for my birthday, you're welcome to donate to the fund.
I promise lots of happy pictures and so on for those that help to contribute. Or something else exclusive that I can offer people for incentive!
*sobs* I know, I'm pathetic. But I started watching season 6 of Buffy again and my lust for James Marsters has been re-awakened. *cries* I'm sorry...
But I'm getting old this year! I need pity! And so on!
Okay, I just want to lick James Marsters. That's not really a big secret. You can help make my dream come true!
posted by Jen on 11:50 PM