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Thank you, g’bye now!

Last night I had the increasingly-rare opportunity to spend time one-on-one with one of my close friends.

The conversation jumped around from subject to subject (as happens when I’m involved), then eventually turned to sex (as some people claim happens when I’m involved). He’s gettin’ some regular lovin’; I’m not.

But as is my way, I’m okay with that for now, because my hormones are currently in hibernation again – at least until this or that person crosses my path (but that’s a vaguely emo whine that’s neither here nor there).

However, just because I’m not actively seeking sex or humping the leg of every and any available attractive man who crosses my path, doesn’t mean I’m not going completely without. Exes can be a valuable resource to tap for – well, tapping that.

Many friends roll their eyes in frustration when I let them in on secrets of my (sort of) private life, so lately I haven’t always been yelling from the rooftops any time I’mma get me some. The friends who would be privy to the knowledge are the same ones who’ve nursed me through varying degrees of heartbreak, so they’re certainly justified in their concern – or frustration – about me visiting a well-worn path.

In one case, the concern is more for the other person, and I share that, as well as a desire to do no more damage than I already have, so even if my hormones are standing up and begging for attention, I ignore ‘em. Mostly.

But in other instances, when the opportunity is there and there is no desire on my part to start anything anew, and strings are notably absent, I feel that my friends’ concerns are unwarranted. What we’re talking about is strings-free, emotionally-absent, no-frills sex, and it has its place.

Again, I may seem as though I’m coming off awfully hypocritical, claiming to want strings-included (heh, and rope-, blindfold-, and even in some cases, whips- and paddles-included) sex, while having very infrequent no-strings sex.

I can justify this to myself – let’s see if you agree. I’m not interested in no-strings sex with someone who’s a relative stranger to me. There is no draw to me in a situation such as that. In these circumstances, however, there used to be a relationship, and there used to be feelings, and there’s always been good sex, so the drive for me to please and be pleased exists. Admittedly, it’s greatly tempered by the rest of the circumstances (and those damn hibernating hormones), but it’s there.

The curious part (to me), however, is just how removed I feel from the situation. In part because of my new, grown-up schedule and need for an earlier bedtime, and my knowledge that this is what it is, and a romantic situation is what it is not – I don’t feel the same need for all the solicitous attention or whatnot that is an accepted, and in my opinion, required, part of relationships and sex.

By that I mean, there’s no hand-holding, no flirting, no sleepovers, no cuddling unless it’s a lead-up to sex, and the post-sex cuddling is equally limited. In fact, post-coitally, some nights I’m ready to clean up and go to bed almost immediately after – it’s not that I want him to leave, exactly… but his part is done, we’re both satisfied – why are you still here?

Actually, that line of conversation led to me saying one of the funnier and more insensitive things I’ve said recently, which sent both of us off laughing once more. On the subject of leaving afterwards, and how I’m ready for sleeping, alone: “…but he just won’t get the hint, he keeps trying to cuddle afterwards!”

Maybe you had to be there. I’m not trying to be insensitive to anyone in these circumstances – I’m not about to slap him on the ass and send him on his way when it’s over, just as I’d be angry if he did that to me – but I guess I just have no interest in pretending that this is more than it is. I like to keep the sweet-and-tender moments for the guys I have sweet-and-tender feelings for; not the ones from whom I just want a (not too) quick toss.

I’d certainly give up the toss in favour of the sweet-and-tender in a minute, if I could find the guy who fits my criteria (and likes me equally in return). But in the meantime, why spare myself (and him) the occasional moment or two of unattached pleasure?

posted by Jen on 3:44 PM


Apparently a how-to guide for sex with me. In reality, me just talking about my thoughts and experiences in love, sex and relationships.

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