Things I obsess about, vol. 12167
Once you reach a certain age, I sex that big of a deal anymore?
Does the thrill of a new partner die off past that magic age?
Does it matter how many times that land has been claimed before you claim it?
Are these concerns, these questions – are they all a gender thing?
Or, more realistically, is this just my overanalytical nature once again coming to the fore?
I was thinking the other day about the demeanour of my last conquest, as it concerned bedroom expectations, and even then it struck me as somewhat... apathetic, almost. Maybe that’s unfair – apathetic isn’t entirely accurate, but maybe unconcerned would be apt.
Call me overly cautious or a romantic or whatever adjective you’d like, but for me sex is still better when I know someone and feel something for them. It doesn’t have to be love, but I like for it to be more than just boredom, or for lack of anything better to do for the next twenty or thirty minutes.
That may sound hypocritical given my use of the term conquest earlier, but for those of you who haven’t figured it out by now, the Drunken Whore is about 50% persona, 50% me. I can’t – or won’t – use names or specifics in my writings, so what you read here could all pertain to only one or two guys... it’s just written in such a way as to sound like more. Ah, language – how you is my abused and manipulated bitch. Moving on.
I’ve tried sex for sex’s sake, and I’ve learned it isn’t for me. That was a big part of my Lavalife turn-offs; too many guys there state that what they want is to sleep with a woman for awhile, then decide if there’s enough there for a relationship. My aunt said this same sentiment is expressed by guys her age – good to know this won’t change.
Now, call me selfish, but if I’m not that into someone, I don’t particularly care whether or not they’re having a good time, unless I’m trying to prove something to myself (or maybe them). Otherwise, if I care that someone leaves my bedroom happy, they do. I’m like Hallmark – I care enough to send (do?) my very best.
But, if I were to have a one-night stand with some random guy (definitely not speaking from personal experience, if you were wondering), I’m not too worried about whether he leaves amazed at the teasing and depth of my foreplay abilities – I’m more concerned if we got our rocks off, and if not, if the experience was otherwise worth it and/or repeating.
But, that’s me – I do know of people who play the bed-hopping game and have a good time. Power to ‘em, I guess.
But there seems to be a trend that, for lack of any other indicators, I’ll tie to age, of sex becoming less and less “special” (I know, I know, sorry), the older and/or more experienced we get.
Maybe I’m choosing the wrong partners, but it seems as though sex has become no big deal, just a way to kill off an afternoon or an evening, and as a result, there’s an expectation of sorts on the part of the guy that being naked equals having sex. And that this will happen fairly early on in the “relationship.”
No, I’m not a cocktease. As I said, anyone in my bed that I want to leave satisfied, generally does. But I don’t feel that the first time I’m naked with a boy, I have to have penetrative sex with him. There’s lots of fun things to do with boy parts and girl parts that doesn’t have to involve putting them together.
It’s good to be able to recognize that you may not feel ready to sleep with someone yet, and be able to stand your ground and say so. As much as I try to live my romantic life with few regrets, I do sometimes wish I’d waited longer in some cases, or hadn’t let them “persuade” (I don’t want to say “push,” yet I sort of do) me into sleeping with them when I did. If the relationship is worth it, waiting for the sex isn’t – and shouldn’t – be a problem. If what you’re after is a fling or a one-night stand, that’s obviously a different story.
Maybe I’m just a romantic, but I still want to feel some kind of excitement at the prospect of bouncing someone around a bed for the first, second, third or third-dozenth time. As a huge advocate of teasing and extended foreplay, I say with all sincerity, there’s something (many things!) to be said – many positive – about anticipation. Not to mention, a few sessions of bed-bouncing can give me a good idea of what to expect and a chance to decide if I do, in fact, want to go that final step.
I’m sure some of you are questioning my various reasons for being reticent about Going All The Way – after all, I’m old, wise, mature, etc., etc., what’s the big deal? – and in some cases the reluctance is situational, but overall, I am always aware and self-conscious of My Number.
It’s not huge, but when you’re surrounded by people who’ve been with only one or two people, because they met and married their high school sweetheart or some such, there are times I efel as though I’m being regarded as the village bicycle.
Also, as I wrote in an epic post on my other site, because I can talk, write, and joke about sex (also mime, if I’m feeling especially goofy), it seems to be presumed by some that I’m having sex all the time. Hell, even my own mother seems to assume that if I spend any length of time with a guy that I’m dating and/or sleeping with him.
Of course, I could just be overly sensitive, but that’s a whole ‘nother story or twelve.
Anyhow, when it comes to our pasts and our numbers, many people tend to engage in some editing. American Pie 2 brought forth the “Rule of 3,” and I’m sure there are people who use it, or something similar. Personally, I’ve always been totally honest about my numbers, to myself and others, but that hasn’t stopped me from wishing I could do a little creative editing.
So, I started wondering what rules I would put in place to bring my number down a little without seeming like I was trying to lie. So far, I’ve come up with a few (all optional, depending on who you want to remove from your past and what it takes, within reason, to eliminate them):
1. Cross off anyone you slept with on two or fewer occasions, and/or for 2 or fewer occurrences.
2. Cross off anyone that the majority of your friends don’t know bout, unless it was for longer than a few weeks.
3. Cross off anyone where all aspects of the sex were consistently really bad (hopefully ties in #1, but some people are eternal optimists).
That’s as far as I’ve gotten, really, and that helps to eliminate a few names I don’t mind seeing gone.
Anyone have others? I think my only real restriction is that you can’t eliminate anyone you had a full relationship with, or that you slept with over an extended period of time – as much as I’d like to remove two guys from my past roster, it’s tough to make an 8-month or 3-year relationship just disappear.
So, everyone join in the fun – what rules would you put in place to decrease your number? It’s the game the whole family can play!
posted by Jen on 2:00 PM