Once a cheater...
Once a cheater, always a cheater -- or so the old saying goes. It's certainly a line I've had quoted to me in the past, by friends who believe it's true.
Speaking as one who has cheated in the past, I'm inclined to disagree.Now, before I carry on, I want to clarify -- I'm certainly not proud of or attempting to defendmy actions. In my past, I've made mistakes, and I have my reasons for having made them -- I don't claim they justify my actions, merely explain them.
That all said and done... I've always firmly believed that I would live out my days in monogamonial bills. I want the comfort of a single person in my bed and, in a sense, in my life. I want to konw that there's someone who, above all else, wants to be with me -- naked and otherwise -- and wants me to only want him or her.
I know that as humans, we still lust after other people (and I will forever lust after James Marsters, I'm sure), but it'd be nice to be with someone who wouldn't act on those lusts.
I've heard other people say -- and I've been in the situation myself -- that there are things they've done or maybe said that they don't want to tell their significant other. I don't like being in that situation, and I don't want to be in it -- and I don't want my next significant other(s) to have secrets from me.
Now, allow me to elaborate. I firmly believe that honesty is not always the best policy. There are certainly situations where not all needs to be revealed. But, there are other situations... well, I'll give an example.
In conversation one night with one of the coworker friends of my (now) ex-, I learned that this guy was living with someone. I later learned that this guy had allowed his niece and a bunch of her friends to borrow his cottage (or something; details aren't first and foremost in my mind right now). One of the friends of the niece, in order to thank this guy for his generosity in allowing them to use this cottage, took him into his car and gave him a blowjob.
Obviously, this is not something he's told his girlfriend. At this same party, he said he was ready to break up with her for other reasons, but... gah. It makes me really sad and sick to think that there are situations like this going on -- all the time -- and to think that there's a chance that, somewhere in my past (and I can probably identify who), that this has happened to me. Or, yes, that I've done something similar to someone else. I'm not perfect, and I only occasionally claim to be.
There are times when total honesty isn't necessarily best. There are ways to be honest without being hurtful. But sometimes, your significant other doesn't need to hear that last time you had sex, you were busily thinking of (random actor/actress) tieing you up and fucking your brains out. Your enjoyment might have been plenty sufficient for them.
Maybe it's idyllic of me to think -- or hope -- that I could find someone crazy about me, someone whose carnal interests lie mainly in my form, who would rather sex me up above all else... though of course, he lusts after that hot songstress or actress. We're all only human, after all. There are a lot of secrets that take place in relationships, and no one will ever know all of them -- probably. Maybe your relationship is different, and I applaud you for that. Maybe you've embraced polyamory, because you firmly believe that monogamy is unnature. I applaud you for that, too.
But in my perfect world... well... once a cheater, not always a cheater. As a former cheater, I can attest to that.
posted by Jen on 10:41 AM
...and Baby makes you stupid
I'd like to rant for a little bit about a trend I seem to see taking place lately. A worrying, disturbing trend with no real end in sight -- people making babies. Correction: young, immature, irresponsible, and possibly even stupid people making babies.
Now, don't get me wrong -- I like babies, as far as I know. I haven't had much to do with them, but I haven't anything against them. I'm certainly in no big rush to start making miniature copies of myself, that's for sure. Hell, I have days I don't have the energy for my cats, and they leave me alone for hours at a time to beat each other up, sleep, and lick their butts -- I'm not sure babies can do the same.. but then again, I have yet to read the manual on them.
I realize that I am not at a place where I feel that a baby has a place in my life. Financially, I could support one, but emotionally and mentally, I don't feel I'm ready -- and I'm not especially young, especially compared to these others (although realistically, I'm not that old, either, I know).
But the trend I've noticed lately is to babies having babies -- and deliberately. I can accept that accidents happen, and sometimes people (okay, girls/women) get pregnant, and hat you choose to do from there is entirely up to you, but
-- it's another matter entirely, in my oh-so-unopinionated opinion, to go out and deliberately get yourself knocked up when you are not in a position to look after your progeny to the best ability -- yours or anyone else's, within reason.
See, babies are expensive. And time-consuming. And expensive. And require lots of attention. And expensive. And unlike other hobbies that may occupy your attention for a period of time, then move aside for a new one -- babies are permanent.
You will not be able to stay up until 3 a.m. playing PS2 or computer games when you have an infant that wakes up at 6 a.m., and stays up until at least mid-afternoon. You will not be able to travel to 6 exciting cross-country destinations with a newborn. Late-night dinners at tiny restaurants with your sweetie and/or friends will no longer be a regular event. Hell, leaving the laundry for a few weeks won't be a luxury you'll have anymore.
If money is currently tight, it's going to get worse. If you're relying on friends on your LJ-list to supply you with everything you need, you're not ready. A bit more controversially -- if you don't have a career you've begun, or if you haven't invested a great deal of time in one, you're going to have a very difficult time 6 months, a year, 10 years or 20 years from now when you decide to enter or re-enter the workforce.
Life happens. Relationships end, people get in accidents or die and can't work -- thereby depriving you of an income, and nowadays people frown on sending the wee ones out to work at least before the age of 6 -- and people leave one another for other people. Life becomes a bit less scary and/or stressful when you're self-sufficient and independent, able to look after yourself with the minimum of aid.
Babies do not solve relationship issues -- they often amplify them. If you thought he was a lazy, immature ass before you got knocked up, the odds aren't necessarily in your favour to this helping him grow. If she refused to touch babies for fear of mussing her nails, hair, clothes, shoes or cigarette -- knocking her up isn't likely to change that.
But these are only my opinions and biases. In my perfect world, I'd have a number of years invested in a career -- thereby ensuring something to which I could return, if I so chose -- and a number of years invested in a mature, stable relationship with someone important to me, someone who was also ready to spawn and who would be a good father. Having or raising a baby with someone means you're irrevocably tied to that person, for better or worse. There have been many relationships whose dirty I was ecstatic to shake from my feet -- an option that would not have been available to me if I'd creaed offspring with them, no matter how eager they may have been.
But again, my biases. I've always been drawn to strong, independent personalities -- men and women, boyfriends and friends. Guys, girls -- don't be afraid to say no, you're not ready. If someone genuinely loves you and really, honestly, truly wants your babies -- they'll still want them in a year or two, when you're both older, and theoretically, wiser. That gives you both more time to do things like save up money, baby-proof your lives, party, argue about what religion you'll raise your little darling, and where it'll go to school -- for starters.
In the meantime, remember -- just say no
to reproducing. Especially if you're barely 22 fucking years old (and younger in terms of maturity), haven't completed post-secondary education, don't or haven't worked (goes double if it's both of you), couldn't practice basic hygiene with an instruction manual and team of experts, and or/simply have your head(s) up your ass(es).
Just say no. Please.
posted by Jen on 1:25 PM