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Nice guys don’t finish last

A friend of mine recently updated his site with a discussion of how nice guys finish last – that classic chestnut.

His post detailed how he’s a nice guy, yet he can’t seem to catch a break as far as relationships are concerned – that standard refrain.

Now, I should say – I feel for him. I do. He is a nice guy, and he deserves to find someone suited to him. But when he trots out the standard, “I should just be an asshole – girls only ever seem to want to date assholes,” I’m getting ready to smack him.

Most girls – ideally the ones that you would want to date – do not want assholes. I’ve dated assholes; I’m not with them now for that very reason. Huh – I’ve dated a lot of assholes.

Fortunately, I’ve also dated a fair handful of nice guys – genuinely nice guys. I remember each of them very warmly and fondly, and parts of me regret that the relationships had to end.

Here’s the thing – some people are very lucky and find their Perfect Someone easily on in life. I have several friends like this, and I hate them. No, I’m happy for them. But I’ve been the single one in a crowd of couples many times, so I understand feeling lonely or alone, or like you’ll never seem to find someone for you.

But here’s the thing – acting like or being an asshole is not the way to win the ladies. Granted, it does seem to work for some people, but we fully expect her to wake up one day and realize who or what she moved in with. But, her problem – not mine.

The mistake most “nice guys” (and even some assholes) seem to make is that they idolize their ladyfriend. Most women are not looking for this. We need men who can love us and recognize that we burp, fart, pee, poop, bleed, hurt, cry, get angry, have good days, have bad days – in short, are people as well as hot, sexy women. We don’t need to be protected from the world, and we aren’t comfortable with you pretending that aspects of us – physical and emotional realities – don’t exist, because it doesn’t fit in with your perception of us as precious things that are always pretty, smooth, smell nice and are perfectly coiffed and attired. Don’t buy into the societal bullshit that says women are delicate little flowers – we aren’t. At least, most of us aren’t (for more on this subject, you can see a rant of mine on the subject of independence and friendship at my other site. If you really want to read more.).

We also don’t need guys to be delicate flowers or pushovers. We might get frustrated or angry or upset if you disagree with us or even state your opinion, but that doesn’t mean we’ll stop caring about you. Mind you, this might apply to me more than some – I can have a bit of a steamroller personality.

I think most people want to date a person, not a ‘type of’ person. We may appreciate certain personality characteristics, but we recognize that just because someone has, for example, geeky tendencies, doesn’t mean they can’t also be jocks or cooks or whatever. I think this means assholes can show up in many forms – as can nice guys.

If I had any advice for the nice guys that keep getting dumped on, it would come in a few parts. One, take stock of yourself. The two biggest assholes I’ve dated routinely claimed they were ‘nice guys’ – usually with the wounded tone that seemed to imply all was my fault, and how dare I be upset at them!? Sometimes nice guys aren’t. In my experience, the truly nice ones don’t have to keep telling you they are.

Two. Examine your actions. Do you voice your opinion, or just kowtow to hers? Do you make plans outside of her life, or are you always waiting for a hint from her as to what to do next? Do you allow her to be human and have bad moods, or do you act like a kicked puppy when she gets upset in your vicinity? Nice doesn’t equal pushover, wimp, or weak.

Three. Keep trying. Getting dumped sucks – I know, I’ve been there. But you’ll find someone, I promise. And if you’re lucky, you won’t have to tell her you’re nice – she’ll see that side of you with no problem.

posted by Jen on 3:23 PM


Apparently a how-to guide for sex with me. In reality, me just talking about my thoughts and experiences in love, sex and relationships.

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